Skins-Bucs Preview: "What are you gunna do?"

"Either we heal now as a team or we will die as individuals..."

If I've gotten one major complaint about this blog, besides how much it sucks, it's that I am too long-winded and people need a dictionary to know what the hell I'm saying. As a result I will keep the Skins preview short and sweet this week.

In the aftermath of the Lions game, D.C. seemed like the saddest sports town in the Nation. Radio stations are literally giving out paper bags tomorrow for disgruntled fans to wear to this weeks game that read, "Hate the owner, love the team." Some shmuck is selling his fan loyalty on EBay for $10,000+ (good riddance) and anyone from outside the Nation's capitol who viewed this spectacle would probably think the Redskins had just finished their 50th losing season in a row and were about to leave town. We're not Baltimore people. For God's sake! We aren't fair-weather sissies but we have had enough of this underachieving product over the past 12 months, errr 18 years.

The most shocking news I received all week was that we were 9-point favorites this Sunday. My first reaction was that I must have drank the wrong bottle from under the sink the night before, but when the line remained the same when I woke up sober on Tuesday, I immediately began wondering how terrible Tampa must be if they are that big of underdogs against the Skins. The answer is, they're pretty terrible. Bottom 5 offense in the league, bottom 2 defense in the league. Already turning to a back-up QB who has thrown a total of 10 NFL passes and the team is headed by a first year coach who may have bitten off more than he could chew.

Breaking down the game the most interesting statistic to watch tomorrow will be third-downs on both sides of the ball. The Bucs have the worst 3rd down offense in the league and the Skins have the worst 3rd down defense in the league (based on conversion %). Something has got to give. I can't imagine that the defense isn't pissed off after Detroit moved the ball up and down the field on them last week and I can't imagine that Tampa's offense can be too cocky seeing as Josh Johnson will be making his first start of his career without many weapons around him. Tampa's offense actually makes the Lions look pretty legitimate. Kellen Winslow should be good for as many personal fouls as catches and their most valuable weapon (Antonio Bryant) may not even play. If Tampa is going to be successful it will likely have to be fueled by their running game which has 3 very capable runners in Cadillac Williams, Derrick Ward, and Earnest Graham. All said, Tampa will not be looking to turn this game into a shootout. They are probably going to try to grind the ball and hope to keep our offense out of the endzone as everyone other team has been able to do thus far.

Of course if I am going to mention injuries and running the ball it is noteworthy that Clinton Portis is questionable for the game and if he plays he will likely be very limited (under 20 touches, unless they shoot him up with some good shit). With that said it is likely that Jason Campbell will be airing the ball out and once again the passing game will be what makes or breaks this game. If there was ever a time for a statement game this is it and the two people in Redskins gear under the most scrutiny tomorrow will be Jason Campbell and Jim Zorn. Their fates are eternally linked. "You go, we go."

If I were Jim Zorn this week instead of fraternizing with Tom Cruise before the game, I would give a stirring rendition of this speech (my favorite cinematic football speech) and make sure that the team took the field with an "us against the world" mentality because that is the position we, I mean they, are in right now. Fuck the fans, fuck the owner, fuck Vinny, fuck FedEx field, fuck unemployed bloggers who foresee our demise each week, this isn't about anything but the 53 men in that locker room, coming together, and playing for each other. I know, I am an idealistic dolt and none of the millionaires in the locker room are going to stand up and say that, but you gotta dream, right? God where is George Allen when you need him!? (If you're a Skins fan and don't know who George Allen is, first kill yourself and then watch this video. "40 men together, can't lose!" )

As for a prediction, what use are those really? We are either going to be the same team we were in Detroit and lose this game 16-13 in overtime. Suicide rates will skyrocket in the D.C. area and more hermaphrodite Skins fans will jump on the Ravens bandwagon. Or, we are finally going to pull together and put a bad team away. Early and often. A stat that is particularly distressing is that the last time the Skins scored 30+ points in a game was December 23, 2007. As an aside, the Saints are AVERAGING 40 point per game this season! And the Lions thought they had a streak?? Even the Browns went over 30 twice in that span! Stick that in your pipe ESPN. I'm going to go out on a limb (which should come in handy if we lose) and say that if the Redskins win this game it won't be squeaker. My much-maligned heart says that if the Zorn-driven Skins are ever going to put together a complete game, this will be it and they will romp, 31-10. Take it as you will but we should know what we are working with after the first quarter tomorrow. It's hard to call the fourth game of an NFL season a must-win but that is pretty much where we are right now with the Skins. Get your paper bags ready ladies...

Queue Jack Kent Cooke rolling in his grave.

And here is some painful nostalgia because I hate you. Hard to believe this is the same franchise.

Friday College Football Preview

SECond to None

After last week's lousy slate of college football games the football gods have served up a nice offering this week as conference play kicks into high gear with 3 match-ups pitting top 25 teams against each other. Does anyone else agree that rankings should just be thrown out until after week 5? Each week we have to watch Lou Holtz poop his pants in studio because another "ranked" team gets blown out. Maybe this is because rankings in college football are about as arbitrary and fleeting as Teen Choice Awards...ask the Hanson Brothers how that worked out for them.

Anyhow we have to play the cards we are dealt and right now that consists of a weekly onslaught of crappy inaccurate rankings which fuel an even more fucked up BCS Championship system that will likely give us a national championship match-up the likes of the juggernaut Houston Cougars and the perennial fly in the ointment Boise State Broncos. I'll hold off on opening the BCS pandora's box for now and stick to this weekends games. Here are my picks, look over them while you ponder why no one is mentioning how good Texas has looked this year.

USC @ California (+4.5)

There's an old gambling adage in football that says only a fool bets on a game with a 4-point line. There is something about this crazy number that represents that gamblers have no idea what is going to happen. Usually it's the exact opposite of what common sense would tell you but it is nearly impossible to swallow your pride and go with that mindset so Vegas cleans up on these games annually. Our three big match-ups this week contain two games which have been hovering around a 4-point spread all week. What better time to put this theory to the test than in week 5 when we have no idea what the hell is going on in college football?

USC is undefeated with Matt Barkley under center but they have looked less than impressive in all of their games and California is coming off of an ass-whooping in Oregon (42-3), which put to rest any dreams they may have had of a national title. In all likelihood this game will decide who the Pac-10 favorite will be from here on out. While USC has more talent from top to bottom USC has played like dirt on the road this year, losing to Washington and squeaking out a victory against an Ohio State team that essentially gave the game away. Cal, on the other hand, has outscored their opponents 111-20 this year at home (granted those were against two bad teams). For me picking this game wasn't a matter of which team I liked better, rather which team I disliked less. I'll take Cal riding Javid Best heavily to a redemption game in Berkeley and count on Matt Barkely to finally blow a game and remind us why Pete Carrol acted like a jealous school boy bitch when Mark Sanchez declared for the NFL last spring. Confidence level: medium.

Oklahoma (-7) @ Miami

As much as I'd like to pick the boys from the U they embarrassed themselves last week in Blacksburg in a sloppy bad-weather game quieting the throngs of fair-weather fans who were ready to jump on the bandwagon and declare that the U was back. While I still believe Miami is the real deal their early season schedule has been beyond brutal (vs. Fla. St, @GT, @VT, vs. OK). It seems Florida State isn't quite as good as everyone believed at the beginning of the year leaving the Georgia Tech game as the biggest win of the year so far. While Miami will be in friendly confines this week and facing a back-up QB, I still think they are one year away from a return to glory. Oklahoma on the other hand has righted the ship after losing a stunner to BYU, and their starting QB in week one, not allowing a point against them in the last two weeks. OU will not shut out the Canes but they should be the toughest D Jacory Harris has faced yet in his young career and should have enough offensive firepower to cover the spread. I see OU winning this game easily setting up for a huge Red River Shootout in two weeks. Miami on the other hand should win out after this week to finish the season at 10-2 and may even have their shot at an ACC title this year if Virginia Tech stumbles along the way. Confidence level: high.

LSU (+4) @ Georgia

Ahhh the SEC. Finally a daytime showdown between two SEC powerhouses with far-reaching implications. It doesn't get much better. Both teams will be limping into this battle between the hedges coming in off of the narrowest of victories against inferior opponents. Georgia is likely salivating at the prospect of going up against an LSU defense that has allowed opponents to air it out at will throughout the year. The Bulldogs boast the best WR in the SEC in AJ Green (stat-wise, second to Julio Jones IMO), and Joe Cox will look to find him early and often. Georgia would love to make this game a shootout as they did last year in Death Valley trouncing the Tigers but Joe Cox is not Matthew Stafford and the Bulldogs no longer have a little guy named Knowshown Moreno in the backfield forcing teams to load up the box to stop the run. Georgia will get their points but in no way should this game be a shootout.

LSU's offense has looked pedestrian this year and a pre-season Heisman candidate, Charles Scott, isn't even the leading rusher on his own team. At QB, LSU may still be feeling the effects of the Ryan Perrilloux saga forcing Jordan Jefferson into a job two years ahead of schedule. Jefferson has been anything but explosive this season but one thing he has done, and will need to continue Saturday if the Tigers hope to win, is protect the football (1 int in 101 attempts).

The Tigers biggest opponent may be themselves. With the Florida game looming next week and Tebow just getting out of the hospital it is hard to imagine that LSU isn't licking their chops at the prospect of going up against the defending national champs without Jesus Christ...I mean Tim Tebow under center. LSU must avoid that kind of mentality or it's going to be a long week with a lot less fervor when they host Florida next week. The Tigers need look no further than what happened to California last week for motivation. Cal went into Oregon with this week's USC game on their mind and walked out with 42-3 smack-down at the hands of an "underdog" Oregon Duck squad.

All things considered Georgia should win this game and then become the Tigers #1 fans next week and hope they knock off Florida to give Georgia a clear path to the SEC Championship game. All the Tiger fans I've spoken to seem to have no faith in this team and are convinced that Georgia is going to exploit all of the Tigers weaknesses in a way Mississippi State began to last week. Like I said before, when everyone thinks they have a game figured out they are usually wrong. I'll go with my heart and not my mind on this one and take the Tigers to win by two on a last-second FG in a low-scoring, hard-hitting SEC game, setting up the game of the year next week versus the Gators. Confidence level: low.


Other leanings:

ATS:

South Florida (-6.5) @ Syracuse
Wisconsin (+3) @ Minnesota
Clemson (-12.5) @ UMD
UVA @ UNC (-13)
Ole Miss @ Vandy (+10)
Tulane @ Army (-6)
Washington (+12.5) @ Notre Dame
Air Force @ Navy (-2.5)
Georgia Tech (-5) @ Miss. St.
PSU (-7) @ Illinois
New Mexico @ Texas Tech (-34)
Auburn (+2.5) @ Tennessee
Houston (-14) @ UTEP
Wyoming (+3.5) @ Florida Atlantic

Home field advantage is over-rated.

Over/Under:

Michigan @ MSU Over 54
UCLA @ Stanford Over 46
FIU @ LA Monroe Over 55.5
Boise St. @ WHOEVER Over 55.5
Washington @ Notre Dame Over 53.5

Ohio St. @ Indiana Under 49
SMU @ TCU Under 52
Ark. St @ Iowa Under 45
Cincy @ Miami-Ohio Under 59
LSU @ UGA Under 51
Tulsa @ Rice Under 62.5


YTD ATS: 6-7
YTD O/U: 5-3

And for your moment of Zen, here is what it feels like to be a Redskins fan these days: click me.

Reflecting on the Detroit Meltdown...Looking Forward

Fail to the Redskins

So I figured I'd let the dust settle for a few days before really reflecting on the Lions game. The D.C. media has had a field day with this thing and it seems almost like half of our fan base was rooting for this type of a shit-the-bed game to illustrate the futility of the entire organization. No true Redskins fan could say they were surprised or caught off guard by what happened in Detroit. Everyone knew Detroit had improved this year and the Redskins didn't hide the fact that they have apparently forgotten how to put the ball into the end zone. Obviously there is no excuse for being the first victim to lose to the Lions in their last 20 games but it couldn't have happened to a more hapless group that the Redskins. I found myself so frustrated during the first half of the game that I began writing down my thoughts in an attempt to prevent my self from spitting on the television whenever they showed Zorn looking clueless. Here are those notes unedited from when I wrote them:

1st half

-It all starts with the coach…this team lacks discipline and motivation

- WR fumbles and D-Hall literally stood over the ball and watched a Lion slide in and cover it. Neat.

-The coaching decisions have been atrocious, even if it had worked out you never give a team another chance. 4th and 3 or 3rd and 13? Make them attempt the FG. You haven’t stopped them all day and then you call a Time out on 3rd down to save them time and then they go down and lay another score on you. Well done Zorn. Maybe you should have asked Tom Cruise (Stefen Djordjovic) to talk to the defense because his game in 'All the Right Moves' looks tougher than Blache's D right now.

-Defense jumping offsides multiple times...way to help out their rookie QB. Discipline. Where in the F is our pressure? Why aren't we blitzing?

-Guys hanging their heads right and left on the sideline. It's only 10-0 but it feels like 30.

-Only person I ever see Zorn interact with is Campbell

-No on is held accountable for their mistakes

-Is LaRon Landry still on the team, haven't seen him make a form tackle all year. Take out that damn lip ring bro! Please.

-Haynesworth collapses after first sack of season – like we didn’t see that one coming. See ya in 2010. (He came back into the game in the 3rd quarter).

-Have to feel bad for Portis he is a victim of a terribly predictable playcalling system, 4th and goal from the one, shocker that you are not going to run to the side without 2 backups on it. Not to mention we lined up for the play, they called timeout, and we came out in the same formation and ran the play anyways. Why run wide?! If you can't get one yard when you need it from your offensive line things need to change.

-Playcalling is always predictable. Nothing is ever set up, the Lions have been setting up Calvin Johnson’s reverse from the beginning of the game and the Skins D has to respect that while Kevin Jones rips off nice runs up the middle. (Lions then went on to finally hand the ball to Johnson on the reverse late in the 4th quarter to help run out the clock).

-Ive seen 4 people show any emotion in this game, Rocky McIntosh, Reed Doughty, Cooley and London Fletcher (as usual). 13-0 at the half. Lifeless. God please take my life.

2nd half

-Moss scores, somehow this doesn't feel like the start of a comeback but more like a lone highlight for Sportscenter.

-Randle El is telling Campbell to hurry up and snap the ball. Delay of game.

-JC is missing open guys high again, got WRs coming back to the huddle telling JC they were open.

-Obviously the refs should not be a factor in the games but calls like waving off a facemask after a ref saw it and called it from the best possible angle is egregious and obviously a product of some error. Questionable interference call on Horton but I almost find myself rooting for the Lions, they have dominated this game and are in 'Holy shit we are going to win, let's run out the next 15 minutes mode.'

-Skins gave the game away, refs finished them off. Two biggest plays of the second half for the Lions were a waved off facemask call and a pass interference on a desperation heave on third down to give them the ball inside the 10.

-One complement to Campbell is that his play-calling is better than Zorn we seem to move the ball better in a two-minute offense than we do throughout the game. Take the leash off him Zorn, there is nothing left to lose!!!

-I take that back Campbell, checking the ball down to a RB for a 3-yard gain with under a minute left is worse than throwing the ball away. This isn't news.

-Matt Stafford, put your fucking tongue away in this league if you want to keep it.

-In the NFL it boils down to this, either you are a playoff team or you aren’t. As a Redskins fan would you really want to be led to believe this is a playoff team with a weak schedule early in the year only to be let down this winter? Not me. I’ll take a consistently awful team, which we are. A team who may have the chance to ruin some teams playoff runs down the line but will in no way deserve to be involved ourselves. Our opening schedule is extremely weak but it will get much tougher should be a 6-10 season at best if changes aren't made.


End of notes.

A couple days later I have settled down but I don't really have anything to retract from my in-game comments. We show no passion out there and our potential is not even close to being represented on the field. The question then becomes, why? Who is to blame? Players? Coaches? Front office? LaVar Arrigton and John Riggins think it is the owner, the media think it's the coach (probably because they can't say anything negative about the owner or they will find themselves bound and gagged and thrown in the Anacostia River because he owns pretty much every media device in the area), and the players seem to be blaming themselves. It's only week 3 and we are on the heels of a full-scale implosion. Luckily for Zorn's job security he is a "yes-man" to Snyder and will likely hold onto his job more than someone who actual had testicles would.

Strangely my feelings about this game have gone from depression, to apathy to a weird sort of pseudo-optimism. Maybe I just hate the majority that much. Right now people are pissing on us for losing to the Lions because it ended their futility streak. Fair-weather Skins fans are jumping off the bandwagon (good riddance) and generally people in the District are overreacting (typical). Granted the Lions suck but you'll see them win 4-6 games this season and then this loss will just look like another blown opportunity to win a game away from home. It's no worse than any other loss we've given away over the past 10 years, and this in no way approaches the feelings durring the Spurrier era, it's just that this gives fodder to Redskins haters to say "haha...you all are a joke" which currently is dead on. The good thing is that losses like this usually inspire change, whether it be people getting fired, the team fighting each other and finding out who really wants it OR it could just lead to the wheels falling off: people not showing up to games, the team quitting on each other and generally finishing the season 3-13, which I don't think can or will happen with our potential.

Don't get me wrong we suck, 8-8 at best, but at least now we can play spoiler to legit teams and not have the false hope of actually making the playoffs like we do most years.

On a more depressing note the Terps are absolute do-do. I would love to incorporate some college football into this blog but they have made the thought of covering games less appealing than bathing with a toaster. I may just start betting against them every week to pay back my student loans. They couldn't get worse and until they prove otherwise I don't think they are worthy of taking the field against another D-1 school. They could conceivably only win 3-4 games this year and that is AT BEST. We've come a long way since Fridge led Vanderlinden's players to the Orange Bowl haven't we? Too bad he'd have to literally take his pants off, eat nachos and crap on the 50 yard line during a game in which the Terps are losing by 100 to be fired because Debbie Yow is a two-timing bull dyke (just speculating) and best friends with a coach who would rather see players graduate than win football games. I love having a woman for an Athletic Directior. Long live Title 9. Idiots.

In a rare attempt to end on a positive note the Caps season starts tomorrow and expectations have never been higher. The rest of the Washington area sports world has let us down royally and all our hopes and dreams will be riding on #8 this season. I'm trying not to get too excited because apparently the sports gods don't like to see me happy and they will spitefully tear his ACL in November if I start talking about the C-U-P potential of the Caps. I'll hold off on that for now and leave you with another D.C. area bright spot. The Nats locked up the #1 pick in next years draft last night and they are looking to draft Superman AKA the LeBron of Baseball (this kid is 16) and tonight Sherwood-UMD product Justin Maxwell hit a sweet walk-off grand slam to end the game, which I would enjoy even more if the Nats didn't have the worst play-by-play guys in baseball history. Smile while you can children, smile while you can. Happy Hockey Season.

And for your moment of Zen, I've figured out how to get the Redskins to perform better...more monkeys in Gucci bags!!!

Redskins @ Lions: There's a hoe down in Mo-town

We need more Mike Sellers in the world

Unlike other gameday previews this one comes to you free from: Papa John's ads, Daniel Snyder Puppeteering, or genuine hate for the Burgundy and Gold that comes from unbiased "experts" the likes of fat asses Peter 'the burger' King and Len 'Don Vito' Pastabelly. While I love the Skins I am probably the most pessimistic fan you will ever encounter and I try to at least be honest with myself before each game and not to get too high or low after wins or loses. Not getting to high after a win was easy this week when the entire nation treated an ugly 9-7 win over the Rams like a loss. Unsurprisingly experts all over the league began predicting that Detroit's 19-game losing streak was going to come to an end when the lowly Skins rolled into Ford Field this Sunday. A Vegas line that opened at 7 points has slid all the way down to 5 points (meaning there is a shit load of people betting on the Lions) and instead of breaking down the next opponent it seemed the Redskins were spending more time talking about Twitter and defending it's coach and QB from the criticism of the media and fans.

Needless to say this is a team that is feeling less than confident and to boot they find themselves limping into week 3, literally, as Campbell and Portis have been limited in practice throughout the week. The worst part of last weeks game was not the impotence of the offense but the loss of Randy Thomas (RG) who was the second most valuable part of an offensive line that lacks depth.
Filling his void will be second year lineman Chad Rinehart who will have to hold his own if the Skins are going to make any noise on offense this year. Luckily for the offensive side of the ball they may be up against the worst defense the NFL has seen over the last decade. Injuries are part of every NFL match-up and the Lions have their own share to worry about without Ernie Simms heading their LB-corps. Look for Jim Zorn to open the playbook and take more than one or two deep shots down the field. Santana Moss needs a breakout game just to remind himself how bad-ass he is and Malcolm Kelly can smell his first NFL TD. Cooley should be Cooley and catch 7 for 86 yards so Campbell will have plenty of opportunity to quite his critics. Clinton Portis should be salivating to finally break the 100-yard mark as he faces a defense without their best run-stopper. CP has traditionally run well on turf and this Sunday should be no different unless the Skins somehow find themselves behind early in which case the entire D.C. area will have already blown their brains out.

Reading the last few sentences you may think I was writing about the New Orleans Saints and not the Redskins but up against the Lions D there is absolutely no reason why everyone on offense shouldn't be able to execute. They will move the ball but will they be able to put it in the end zone rather than settling for FGs? Time will tell but from my experience watching the NFL just when the "experts" have a team pegged, in this case, "the Redskins can't score TDs," that team usually comes out and does the exact opposite the next week. No member of the media ever owns up to this or stands by their pre-season predictions they just go on making more ignorant assertions each week until the public is so inundated with the asinine comments of Michael Irvin, Mark Schlereth and John "Poindexter" Clayton that they can't tell their assholes from a hole in the ground. Must be nice to be an expert.

On the other side of the ball the Lions really do have some weapons on offense. Calvin Johnson IS Megatron and holding him to 100 yards and a TD, even with a rookie QB throwing the ball, has to be considered a good day, he's that good. Kevin Jones can find holes and pound the ball but he is nothing the Skins haven't seen after facing two of the biggest bruising RBs in the league (Jacobs and Jackson). Detroit's big TE, Brandon Pettigrew, will be a good NFL player someday but he is a rookie and still learning so he shouldn't be difficult to neutralize. The man under the center will be the storyline regardless of the outcome on Sunday. If rookie Matthew Stafford can lead the Lions to a victory and stop their losing streak from hitting 20 he will be proclaimed the second coming of Jesus Christ, he will be named the president of GM and he will turn Flint, Michigan into a bustling suburb of Detroit revitalize the worst city in the country. He'll basically become Bill Brasky. The reaction would be the exact opposite in Washington. Dan Snyder would fire everyone: Jim Zorn, Jason Campbell, the fans, Obama, no one would be safe. All Papa John's restaurants would close and the first born sons of all Redskins fans would be sold off to the highest bidders. The Redskins losing streak would be longer than the Lions. I would cold and alone.

I do not want this outcome but it is a very real possibility unless the Redskins show some fire on offense and for God's sake get pressure on the fucking Quarterback! In the off-season we ignored depth on the offensive line and instead went for game changers on the D-Line (Haynesworth and Orakpo) which cost us more than the GDP of 33% of the Nations in the U.N. **Sidenote: Haynesworth's contract isn't "worth" nearly as much as the idiots of the world would have you think, potentially it is worth $100 million but it's much easier to hate the Redskins and say, "they are trying to buy a championship" than it is to actually learn how NFL contracts work and tip your hat to the Skins for the being the best salary cap manipulators in league history.** Back to the game, because we ignored the O-Line in the off-season the defense has been improved and has looked as such over the first two games besides some lazy tackling by D'Angelo Hall and LaRon Landry. Hopefully Greg Blache is dialing up a defensive gameplan that consists of about 75% blitzing. I will be perfectly content with getting beat by a rookie QB if we put pressure on him and he makes the right reads and beats us straight up but I will not be able to swallow a loss if we stay back in out dime defense and allow him to plod his way down the field like he's fucking Eli Manning. Though they both have terrible Southern Frat Boy bitch haircuts the similarities end there. The Skins have no reason not to try to exploit the young QB on one side of the ball and to stave off the criticism of Zorn and Campbell for a few days on the other side of the ball by scoring some points.

Vegas sees this game as 19-13 struggle going the Redskins way and, despite the fact that the Redskins have a far more talented team than the Lions, I find it hard to stray from that prediction seeing how little firepower the offense has shown over the first two weeks. Making predictions about this team is like picking which one of your grandmothers you want to give a Brazilian wax to, you can't win. All things considered I am going to go with: Redskins 26, Lions 16. God save the Queen.

As always, remember Sean Taylor. In video #2 you can see what he did to the guy who was asking for it before the game: here. We miss you Sean.

Boring Saturday Preview

"Women do not exist, only football...college football" - Tebow

When ESPN Gameday is at the Iowa-Penn State football game you know it's going to a pretty awful Saturday of college football. Thus God invented gambling to make otherwise meaningless games reduce men to tears and force them to pawn their wives jewelery and Western Union their children's college funds to tropical Islands they will never visit.

In my imaginary world I walk around making million dollar picks like I'm Gordon Gekko giving stock tips. In reality I clench my butt-cheeks together at the prospect of wagering anything more than lunch money. Which is probably good because gambling is illegal and I would never condone it on such a prestigious website. Additionally, I believe even the best gamblers are lucky to break even when all is said and done but that won't stop me from throwing my hat in the ring every now and then. I'm no expert but I figured a good way to keep me dedicated to updating this site and from throwing away money I don't have, on games I will inevitably skew the outcomes of was of, is to preview the big games each week and throw some of my favorite picks out there.

With only one matchup this week involving two ranked teams there is no better place to start than Blacksburg, VA.

Miami (-2.5) @ VT

Is the U really back? That question will be answered this week as Miami takes their 2-0 conference record to Blacksburg for what is sure to be a hard-hitting game between two former Big East foes. Usually I would have a hard time ever picking against VT as an underdog in Lane Stadium but for some reason this game is taking place at 3:30PM EST. Lane stadium turns into an absolute jungle when the sun goes down but this game will be played before the sun goes down. The real ex-factor in this game may be the weather. It looks like it's going to be about 50* and raining at kickoff which could neutralize any speed advantage Miami looked to have and would certainly benefit a run-first VT team on their home turf. With that said Jacory Harris has looked like the real deal in two tough games already and the weather is never an excuse for any good team. I'll take the young and talented Hurricanes in a sloppy game that will probably have to be won by their defense. Confidence level: low.

Iowa (+10) @ Penn State

Sadly this may be the only other game of the day worth expounding on. The Iowa Hawkeyes travel to Happy Valley to take on an undefeated #4 ranked Nittany Lion team out for revenge after having their BCS dreams dashed last year by an Iowa team that returns 16 starters. This will be a "Whiteout" for Penn State, this is when all the students wear white shirts to the game to frighten the away team into submission. With this sort of "insanity" I guess they shouldn't even bother playing the game. I can't imagine anything quite as scary as a bunch of future accountants gathered in such a public display of unity. How will Iowa possibly be able to execute their gameplan in the whitest place in America this side of Utah. Unfortunately for the fans none of them will actually be taking the field and their team will have to do their bidding. Penn State has faced a grand total of zero noteworthy teams to this point in the year so it is hard to tell how good they really are. Iowa has also played pretty much no one mentionable and their games have actually been close. I'll take the team that has actually been contested this year for both teams first solid match-up. Just like Miami game I would not be the least bit surprised to see this game go the opposite of my pick. If Penn State jumps out early there is a good chance Iowa will fold but I haven't been impressed with PSU's defense this year and their LBs are banged up. Look for Penn State to win a close one, but Adam Robinson will take over where Shonn Greene left off and keep Iowa close enough to cover. Confidence level: medium.

Now that you've seen me publicly embarrass myself with two terrible picks I'll leave you gamblers with a list of my other leanings for Saturday's slate of games.

Against The Spread

LSU @ Miss St. (+13)
UNC @ GT (-3)
Ark (+17.5) @ Bama
Cal (-5.5) @ Oregon
ASU (+12) @ Georgia
Vandy (-7) @ Rice
Marshall @ Memphis (-3)
Wake (-2.5) @ BC
Ball St. @ Auburn (-33.5)
Rutgers @ MD (+1)
ND @ Purdue (+6)

Over/Unders

Toledo @ FIU (Over 59)
Boise St. @ Bowling Green (Over 51.5)
Indiana @ Michigan (Over 53.5)
Cal @ Oregon (Over 55.5)

Fresno St. @ Cincy (Under 63.5)
ULL @ Nebraska (Under 54)
Illinois @ Ohio St. (Under 49.5)
ND @ Purdue (Under 59.5)

I figure if I use this to keep track of my record I will see how much money I would lose if I actually had any....public shame is a hell of a tool...come to think of it this may be the first and last college football preview. FML.

Record: 0-0

Twitter and Robert Henson: Never Underestimate the Narcissistic Nature of Americans

If hazing is supposed to humble a man the Redskins let Henson off the post a little too soon

This post is related to the non-story of a Rookie LB for the Redskins, Robert Henson, who used his Twitter account to insult Redskins fans after the pathetic 9-7 win over the Rams last week. If you've been living under a rock you can read the story here.



The incident almost doesn't warrant a response but the national attention the story received combined with my utter frustration with Twitter and the Skins organization led me to the following rumination.



To begin, Twitter may very well be the first sign of the Apocalypse. Not since the advent of MySpace have I lost so much faith in humanity. I mean I know people love themselves but where do we draw the line!? As a Facebook and blog user feel free to call me a hypocrite. The thing which I feel separates me from the people I loath is that I realize nobody gives a shit what I think. Attention Twitter and Facebook users: No one that is your "cyber friend" cares that you are getting your wisdom teeth pulled. I last saw you in 11th grade, I don't want to hear that you are sipping wine, counting the starts and pumped about getting a new kitten this weekend. Your team allegiance is not fortified by your "Go (State school)" status update on Saturdays, and honestly they just clutter my home page and keep me from seeing who is "At the gym, getting ripped" that day. Neat. I didn't even mind Facebook when it was a stalking, umm I mean networking tool for college kids but now we've got Grandmothers and highschoolers bombarding us with status updates about their meaningless lives. The day status updates were added is the day Facebook died in my book. You can imagine my frustration when I realized there was a new website that was dedicated strictly to people’s “status.” That website is Twitter. Being the fool that I am I assumed Twitter would fade into obscurity when people realized their updates were just a running log of how boring their lives are, but then pseudo-celebrities stepped in. These human cancers are the key demographic for any tool of self-absorption and they really took Twitter to the next level. Now we get to hear about the opinions of every asshole from the NFL and MTV to local radio stations and high schools on our televisions. How is their stupidity our news?!? Am I the only one who doesn’t understand this? Well at least Dave Chappelle agrees: click here for his thoughts on celebrities.


Sorry for the rant, let’s get back to the story of Robert Henson now that you know a little bit about Twitter. My initial response to the story is best summed up by an e-mail I sent to some loyal Skins fans right after I read the story. It went as follows.

[begin e-mail] “Obviously this fagmo (Henson) hasn't followed the Redskins as long as we have....maybe we should blindly applaud this desperate organization for not scoring a touchdown against one of the league's worst defenses and chalk it up to Campbell "learning a new offense" or maybe Zorn is just "getting use to the position as a head coach." That would explain a senseless timeout call from the bench that could have cost us the game and a HB option pass on a 3rd and goal from the 8 yard-line the 4th time inside the Red Zone.

Because our fans boo, Henson believes our fans work 9-5 at McDonalds and don’t know football. The same people whom fill the 92,000 person stadium every week when the cheapest seat in the place costs $50 and doesn’t give you a view of the field? “Our fans work at McDonalds?” You (Henson) barely made the roster of one of the worst football teams in America...let's call it a draw. One thing I will give this kid is that our fans are 75% dumb asses and get emotional at games but so too are most NFL crowds that give half a shit about their teams. Have you seen a Philly game? Once upon a time when we won games and consistently showed effort playing on our home turf, our crowd wouldn’t dream of booing. RFK Stadium was home to the “best fans in America” but after 18 years of escalating prices, a shittier product, no championships and a hopeless front office, we sometimes feel the need to BOOO.

We are now a joke to the rest of the NFL who continues to watch new QBs come of age right before their eyes while our franchise QB stagnates after 5 years of mediocrity and ZERO playoff appearances (Our last two playoff QBs were Mark Brunell and Todd Collins). Try not to laugh when you read that. The only games we will win this year will be on the backs of our defense. Oh wait now I remember that’s how we have won every game the last 4 seasons. So yes when the offense once again almost gives away a game handed to them by the defense we are going to let the team know how we feel. 



At least Joe Gibbs senile ass stepped up and took responsibility for his dim-witted 2 timeout calls (blew the Buffalo game in his last year). As a coach Zorn has thus far proven to be a dickless pansy. His playcalling since the 5th week last season seems to be far more concerned with not losing games than winning them. I just can't decide who is hurting us more, QB or coach. How bad of a statement is it that you are taking the ball out of your quarterbacks hand in the red zone to run a HB Toss Pass on a 3rd down?!!? 

Shit Campbell is no better than Zorn for allowing himself to accept those play calls. Now I will calm myself by trying to remember that, “a win is a win” and none come easily in the NFL but it just sucks to have to swallow what’s coming this year with such a talented roster. Of course we'll beat some teams we have no right beating and we will lose some games that we thought would be wins before the season, but it all comes down to the fact that this is not a great or hungry team.

As cliché as it sounds it is undeniable that players come to this team for a payday after they have beaten themselves up early in their careers and they know they have nothing left to prove to collect a check. Mix that talent in with some young and hungry guys (Horton, Orakpo, Kelly, Cooley) and you've got the recipe for mediocrity. The real tragedy is that the entire league knows about it and we keep doing the same thing. I think I could live with it if it were an internal problem, like having an abusive step-father who makes the kids wear long sleeves to school to cover bruises but we are being publically flogged by the organization we want to love and the whole league is there to laugh at us.

For example last year I went to some bullshit extracurricular thing at Tulane Law School and Will Smith (DE-Saints) was there fielding questions. Long story short in a 30-minute question session the Redskins came up 3 times, unprovoked, as examples of places that overpay players and where you don't have to work very hard when you get there. Here is a guy who has only been in the league 5 years and has no reason to resent the Redskins but he publicly bashed us to an audience that openly giggled at our ineptitude. As I cried into my parka in the back row I tried to come up with some sort of retort but I had nothing. This team is fucked and will stay fucked until there is a complete overhaul of the organization, we move back to the District and we get a coach with enough of a sack (Cowher/Shannahan) to tell our front office to back the fuck up while he reminds the team what football is. (Im not even going to address Snyder because his $ makes him here to stay). God I’m sad. Bravo if you read through all this, now I’m going to go empty out my medicine cabinet and drink a bottle of red. 

Have you ever felt like this after a win?” [end e-mail]

Yep, those are the kind of e-mails I send. I apologize to the women, children and elderly for the foul language. Sick? I know but it’s been a long time since my tabula rasa was filled with 3 Super Bowls and a team that seemingly never let me down. I wish someone would put this in Robert Henson’s locker so that he might understand why we boo. No, Mr. Henson I don’t work at McDonalds but please tell them to call me if they are hiring.

Here are two applicable Redskins videos, the 2nd of which made me bite my tongue on my Zorn comments, slightly.

Video 1 - Snyder reaction to playcalling (fixed the link)
Video 2 - NFL Films on Campbell and Zorn during Rams game

And We're Back...May I have this dance?

Well after about 3 months of silence I am making my illustrious return to the blogging world. I know all 2 of the people that follow this blog will be thrilled to tears to hear the news. May I use this first return post to formally apologize for my brief bout with seriousness and responsibility. For 3 months I acted like an adult, slept minimally, drank little and generally held myself out as a law abiding, god-fearing shmuck like the rest of you. Terrible decision I know. Luckily for you the economy has gone to shit and lawyers are about as useful as tits on a boar hog. Thanks God. My personal debt now mirrors that of our nation and quite frankly, rather than employment, I'm banking on this whole 2012 Mayan Apocalypse thing just to get me back to even.

On the bright side, this low point in my life coincides with the start of football season God's greatest gift to man. Unfortunately the two football teams I root for are two of the lousiest in the country but that will not stop from watching about 2,000 hours of football related television between now and February. Football is my constant, its my rock. The rest of my life however is a question mark. It is still too early to begin growing my Christmas beard and selling trees out of other people's yards but I only have 3 remaining job prospects to look into before resorting to working for the mafia. This should leave me with nothing but time over the next few months because the Mafia doesn't start taking interns this late in the quarter. So as I stood on my roof last night, in my robe, with my empty bottle of Jack, contemplating the inevitable six-figure hospital bill that would come from another botched suicide attempt...I mean accidental fall... I remembered, I did have a reason to live, and it was you, it was THE BLOG. After all, "Someone has to kill the babysitter" - Chip Douglas

Hiatus

To the three of you out there following the blog sorry for the Houdini act without explanation. As much as I would enjoy spending hours a day blogging about the failures of Washington sports and my life in general, this summer I need to do one serious act to buy myself some more wiggle room in the real world. That task is to pass the Maryland bar exam. Seeing as this entire experience has been about as enjoyable as Civil War surgery it has kept me from updating the blog as much as I would like to and for that I am sorry.

The exam takes place at the end of July so I should be back to abusing alcohol, ignoring hygiene and writing rants on the internet when I can muster the strength to get out of bed in early August. By then there should be plenty of fodder to discuss so don't you worry your little hearts. Between Dan Snyder's newest steps to ruin the Redskin experience and the imminent decimation of all our starter's ACLs in mini-camp we should be primed and ready for some live suicide-inducing discussion. You'll also have the added bonus of laughing at my unemployment and insurmountable debt so hold your horses...I promise it will all be worth it. Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

Washingtonpost.com Sports Mobile: You Suck

(another bitch session by dinoterp)

I'm on my blackberry about 20 of the 24 available hours of the day. I have a top 5-6 sites that I hit on a regular basis and one of those is Sports section of the Washington Post mobile site (for reference: http://mobile.washingtonpost.com/item.jsp?key=sp). Although I appreciate being able to read some local articles on my phone, I'm going to call them out on the things about the site that suck in the hopes that somebody from the staff accidentally types the wrong URL for a legitimate site and ends up here. Also - don't confuse this blog with a referendum on the Post or the regular version of washingtonpost.com... I've got more and different gripes with those to be explored in later blogs. Let's start our spiral into bitching and complaining about the mobile site.

First of all, the content is updated about as frequently as the Skins make a smart front office move (bah dum ching!). Things are usually updated in the morning and maybe an article or two once during the day if something groundbreaking happens, and even then it's way after all of the major news outlets have thrown 400 writers on it. Worse, there's a bunch of content that's relatively static. There's been an article titled "Horton Working to Build on Rookie Season" in the Redskins section for about 5 weeks. I didn't want to read some crappy introspective piece on Horton then and I still don't want to read it now.

Second, there's no way to figure out who wrote the article before clicking on them. The only few sections where you can figure it out from the main page are Steinberg and any of the Insiders.  Can't I get a simple "Boswell: " intro on the headline? There's articles I only happen to click on, only to find that Wilbon is the writer and it's a genius column. Seems to me like that should be a selling point for that article, right? And this weekend we had a filly win the Preakness for the first time in 85 years, which was not only a juicy national storyline, but a LOCAL storyline... yet logging on to the mobile site on Sunday morning, I couldn't find a Beyer column. Seriously? Shouldn't his column be the ONLY thing on the site?

Next, every decent article is broken up into multiple pages. I understand the Post makes some money off of this, but for those who have experienced the mobile web, it is slow and sometimes spotty. Clicking on a headline with minimal guarantee of a good article, then having to click to the next pages or "read full article" is frustrating as hell. I know I read less articles because of this, which can't be what they are hoping for. I'm also now a metro rider and I've got a long haul trip. Verizon works on the metro, but the web is shaky and I don't have the luxury of clicking a thousand links and waiting for them to successfully load.

Finally, there's the text alerts.  Let me start by saying that in theory, this is a great service and there is some good information that comes from it.  But two things leave me scratching my head constantly.  The first is that they always make it seem like they have some scoop on the site.  But as stated in the first complaint above, the content is never updated.  The second is one that gets consistently mocked by me and my friends - the in-game and post game scoring alerts during Redskins season.  At halftime, I always get a text saying something like "Halftime.  Redskins losing to the Eagles 14-10".  Really?  No shit?  Wow, I can't wait until I get the next text at the end of the game letting me know the final score!  Are they fucking serious?  What Skins fan is going through the trouble to get real time text alerts on any Skins related sent to their phone... and isn't watching the game to know the score?  It's ridiculous.  I also can't tell you how many times I've suffered through a heart wrenching loss, only to get a text 10 minutes later that reminds me of the final score.  Thanks a ton.

Anyway, to wrap things up, I guess I can't complain since I pound that piece of shit site like 14 times a day.  Just seems like some easy improvements would make the whole thing a thousand times better and more useful.

Coming to Grips: Is DC a Sports Town?

This is a topic that has plagued me as a DC sports fan for many years. I'm finally letting go, coming to grips and owning up to it: Washington DC is NOT a sports town in any way, shape or form.

I'm an intensely competitive person and nowhere else in life does this manifest itself more in one area than in my following of local sports teams. I think at the root of it, I would never admit that anyone is better than me at something I felt I had some level of control over. This is probably why I lose sleep over fantasy football losses.

So what's the point? I hate when our local team lose on many levels, but it's especially tough to deal with losing to hated rivals. It kills me more than anything to think that the same meathead, jerkoff Eagles fan can drive down to DC, get a cheap ticket to a Skins game, mouth off in the stadium, pick fights, then ultimately say "I told you so" when the Skins lose in disasterous fashion yet again. This situation will be broken down in many blogs. But this one focuses on the inferiority of DC sports in one glaring way.

I've been to the "classic" sports towns such as Boston or Chicago. I've always hated our sports scene and the fact that out of town writers and radio hosts can come here and say things like "DC isn't a sports town." Over time, I've moved from denial towards acceptance, but never more than after game 6 of the Caps/Penguins series. I was stuck in a work function in Chinatown until the end of the 2nd period. With it not being all that late and the Caps on the brink of either bowing out to a hated rival or bringing the series back to DC for a knock down drag out game 7, I figured I'd have a hard time even getting into a bar.

What I found on 7th St was a ghost town. Heading from the Convention Center towards the Verizon Center, I first went into RFD, which was alomst completely empty besides a handful of Caps fans and a couple Penguins fans. Same thing at Fado. Same at Matchbox. Same at Clydes. I finally gave up and watched the end of the game next to a guy that let me sit at the empty barstool next to him with all the friendliness as if I asked if I could kick him in the crotch. And that was the scene. Now, my first thought was to take a step back and say "this is hockey after all". But I quickly shunned that. The Caps are ALL that we have right now. They are playing their biggest playoff rival. It's the clash of two superstars. It's win or go home. And I was in the best part of town, 20 FEET FROM THE ARENA that Game 7 would be played in.

Then it hit me: DC is not a sports town. If this was Chicago in the same circumstance, every bar would be jam packed, there would be people on the streets, and the guy I sat next to would not only have given me that barstool, he'd have bought me a drink, given me a high five, and now that I think about it - he wouldn't even be sitting!

So maybe acceptance is the right place to be. I'm not sure what difference it makes. It angers me because of the competitiveness. It angers me because people in the media say stupid shit like "DC is a transient town", completely dismiss a massive local fan base, and are somehow right. It angers me that I'm part of the problem. For example, I shake my head at the Nats attendance numbers and TV ratings, yet I'm not doing anything to change it.

The only way I can really wrap up this pathetic rant is to introduce what I'm calling the "Suicide Scale" and assign this fact a number. Loose values are something like:

1 = Breaking up with your high school girlfriend
2 = Losing your job
3 = Fashioning a noose while working as a bag boy after getting out of Shawshank after a multiple decade-long prison sentence
4 = Putting a shotgun in your mouth and closing your eyes
5 = #4, but after the Skins lose in OT of a playoff game after a botched gimme FG hold is run back for a TD, your car breaks down in the FedEx Field parking lot, and you come home to find Coach K banging your wife

I put this Coming to Grips at a 1.5.  It pains me, but in the scheme of things to want to kill myself over in the DC sports scene, it's not so bad.

Fantasy All-Star Lineup - Early Addition - Manny the Tranny

"I swear when I'm done with the prescription it will only be this big"

The first month of the MLB season is behind us and while the Nat’s and O’s battle to see who can lose 100 games first this year, the rest of the league continues to play baseball. In an attempt to divert attention from the pitiful state of my own fantasy teams I figured I’d give some love to the guys who are actually getting the job done so far this year. More to come on the overall state of fantasy baseball in America in the future, but for now without further ado I give you the early risers from this young fantasy season.

American League

C– Victor Martinez (Cle.) Solid stats across the board but don’t expect him to continue to bat near .400 for the rest of the year. Safe bet to keep this spot throughout the year unless Joe Mauer (Min.) comes on strong after missing most of the first month.

1B- Carlos Peña (TB) I don’t even want to say it, but are we nearing the point where the HR leader should be piss tested every month? I think we are getting close. Thanks Manny.

2B- Ian Kinsler (Tex.) Just doing what everyone expected him to do despite the fact that Josh Hamilton has been banged up and a shell of his ’08 self. Props to Aaron Hill (Tor.), he’s destined for the comeback player of the year award.

3B- Evan Longoria (TB) Seemingly this desperate housewife is the only trying to keep the MVP trophy from Pujols so far. Although Tampa has decided to only play their best ball against Boston and New York, they are setting up an unprecedented 4-teams race for the playoffs in the AL East if Toronto continues to overachieve. Sorry O’s.

SS- Michael Young (Tex.) If the Rangers had any starting pitching whatsoever the AL would be at their mercy. As of now they have one of the most exciting batting orders in the league and when Hamilton is healthy and Chris Davis comes around there are 6 guys who could hit 30 ding-dongs. I’m getting on their bandwagon a year early but if I was forced to watch one AL team all year it would probably be these guys.

OF- Jason Bay (Bos.) Manny who? Once this bastard got out of the city where dreams go to die he remembered why he loved baseball like Jimmy Dugan.

OF- Nick Markakis (Bal.) One of two early bright spots from the O’s outfield, between Nick and Adam Jones they have crossed the plate 61 times already this year while driving in almost 50. Besides Boog Powell’s BBQ Mr. Markakis is probably the best reason to go to Camden Yards these days. Nick’s Yaya and Papu must be so proud.

OF- Carl Crawford (TB) The second most exciting offense to watch in the AL is fueled by Mr. Crawford’s wheels. Stealing 6 bags in a game last week was just plain rude. He could have gone Rickey Henderson and pulled the 6th bag out of the ground and no one would have been able to say anything about it.

SP- Zack Greinke (KC) Undoubtedly the biggest storyline of the early season outside of Manny’s female fertility drug use is Greinke’s rise from mediocrity to dominance. So apparently this guy saw a psychologist in the off-season who diagnosed him with depression and some other frivolous made up disorder, this led to the Quack giving him magic pills and therapy that have resulted in more unhittable pitching than the kid from Rookie of the Year. Let’s put the odds of this sort of thing into perspective for a minute. In my life this would be like getting my self-deprecating cries for help diagnosed as depression, and months later becoming the best lawyer in the District only to have Brooklyn Decker leave Andy Roddick in the hopes that I would grace her with my presence. Ha! That bitch wishes.

SP- Roy Halladay (Tor.) Looks like the Yanks bought the wrong arm from Canada. Roy is probably the safest bet to play at this level throughout the year.

SP- Mark Buehrle (CWS) Vintage Buehrle, look for him to come down to a earth a bit but winning 15+ is not at all out of the question. What is this 2005? Next thing you know Mike Vick will be a starting QB in the NFL. Wait, what’s that? He just signed with Minnesota? Oh no, that’s next month.

RP- Frank Fransisco (Tex.) You can’t do much better than going 9 for 9 on save opportunities and not allowing a run. He could stand to lose a pound or 50 though.

National League

C- Bengie ‘The Eternal’ Molina (SF) Hi, Im Bengie Molina. I’m 35 and I continue to produce despite the lack of talent around me. My back hurts.

1B- Albert Pujols (St. Louis) I’m starting to this that Sportscenter cyborg commercial was not a joke. How are you only 29? I feel like you’ve been around for the last 15 years. Clearly the early MVP favorite, again.

2B- Chase Utley (Phi.) Does anyone remember when he was supposed to miss time this year? Well, so much for that. Who else did you expect to be the best 4-man in the NL, Brandon Phillips?

3B- Jorge Cantu (Fla.) As much as I wanted to play favorites and give the nod to Mr. Walk-Off (Ryan Zimmerman) and his 25-game hit streak I couldn’t ignore the 3 HR, 10 RBI advantage in 23 less at-bats. And as for Cantu’s astronomical start, well I’m not administering drug-tests in fantasy baseball but if we were…Thanks Manny.

SS- Hanley Ramirez (Fla.) Simply put, I want to have his babies. He’s basically LaDanian Tomlinson 3 years ago in fantasy football. If you somehow have him in a keeper-league you should consider believing in God.

OF- Alfonso Soriano (Cubs) The self-proclaimed hardest working man in baseball is teasing Cubs fans into thinking he is going to produce for a full year again. I think you can actually get Vegas odds on what his season ending injury will be this year? My money is on an MCL tear or the clap.

OF- Andre Ethier (LAD) Good start Andre; however you just lost a key part of the best outfield in the league (Manny). Look for Matt Kemps numbers to jump and Ethier’s to level off with the disappearance of the Tranny named Manny.

OF- Raul Ibanez (Phi.) I don’t like his face or his creepy flavor savor but I hate him less than I hate Shane Victorino so hats off you crazy bastard. Ryan Braun (Mil.) and Carlos Beltran (NYM) are right on the heels of all three of these early stars. Look for them to own these spots in the next couple weeks and not look back.

SP- Johan Santana (NYM) Silly how consistent he is. Silly. Not to mention how his name rolls off the tounge.

SP- Dan Haren (Ari.) 3-3 record is deceiving for how well he is pitching. Nobody but Johan is better in the NL and the record will indicate that by the end of the year.

SP- Chad Billingsley (LAD) Slipping past Tim Lincecum’s homeless looking ass, Chad has been unbeatable for L.A. Let’s hope he didn’t punch things with his throwing hand Carlos Quentin style when he got the news about Manny.

RP- Johnathan Broxton (LAD) Flamethrower has struck out 25 while saving 8 games for the once darling Dodgers. Look for this title to go to K-Rod before long.

If you find your boys on this list just hope they don’t peak too soon like Jessica Simpson otherwise they might find themselves mounted by Tony Romo before Independence Day.

Two unrelated stories. First the Internet has obviously begun to take itself too seriously. Not only have the powers that be allowed this site to be created but just yesterday some 17-year-old threatened the life of Alex Ovechkin on a site with even less credibility than this one and people actually took it seriously. The message was on a goddamn chat board and if this kid were at all serious, A.O. would have beaten him to death with his dick and then had the KGB turn his remains into taco meat. No need to arrest the kid just put him out on the ice and let him try to carry out his dream.

Secondly, I’ve received a few requests to expand this site’s ramblings beyond the umbrella of DC Sports. While I’d love to take a lyrical dump on teams from other cities I will try to avoid doing such for as long as I can. Talking about your city’s sports is like talking about your family. If your grandpa is a big piece of miserable shit of course you can say so but the second someone from outside your family calls him out you are ready to kill. The same goes for sports. I can bash my own family but I will try to avoid bashing yours…unless that city is Philadelphia of course.

Now, I'm off to watch the Caps steal game 4. I did not appreciate Malkin’s attempts to mock A.O.’s celebrations. He will pay with his blood. Sticking by Caps in 6.

RSS Feed

If you want to get real-time updates on the blog, add the following feed to your RSS reader!

http://cannonballcoming.blogspot.com/rss.xml

It might take a couple days to get going, but then the floodgates of cyncism will open on you.

Crosby is a B!tch

Posted by dinoterp:

Standing in the crease while Caps defenders refuse to push you out and waving your stick around until you score doesn't make you a great player.  It could just mean that you're a good player going up against a lazy/soft/mediocre defense.  Celebrating a goal after you score is great - assuming you aren't still down 1 in the playoffs with 30 seconds left in the game.  Complaining to the refs that fans are celebrating a hat trick from a superior player is a bitch move:

After the first wave of hats came a second wave, prompting Crosby to speak to the referee about the long delay. "People kept throwing hats," Crosby said. "And I was just asking if he could make an announcement to ask them to stop."

Should we be surprised?  Crosby was prematurely annointed the savior of the NHL and ran with it.  Little did he know, a gritty, likeable, "guy's guy" from Russia would come along shortly thereafter... that oh-by-the-way is more talented... and take his crown.

Let's look at some more facts about Crosby and Ovechkin.  Maybe typing their names into Google images is the way to go (try it for yourself, let me know which one is a giant douche)?  

Let's start with Crosby:

1. He has the facial hair of a pre-pubescent gang member:

2. He's had more than his fair share of homoerotic photos taken of him:

3. He's a loser

4. He plays in Pittsburgh - where evil is smelt and men leave, reside in the DC area, and go to away games at FedEx field - presumably to get away from the horrific women of that awful city.

5. The NHL has gone out of their way to make his picture not look like he's a zero:

6. That picture looks eerily familiar to another huge bitch - JJ Reddick:

The fact remains that we're dealing with a primadonna that is getting his panties in a bundle that there's a better all around human being playing for his rivals.  And the implosion of over time will be fun to watch.  But not as fun as the career of one Alex Ovechkin.

Here's all you need to know about #8:

Case closed.  Enjoy the show.

Where are you when we suck? Analyzing the phenomena of the “bandwagon fan"

Celebrities are a painful reminder of the damage caused by bandwagon fans

As long as there has been sport there has been bandwagon fans. The drawings of Paleolithic men etched on the walls of caves tens of thousands of years ago depicted these rituals. According to Encino Man the first bandwagon fans consisted of brutes and women folk who only became admirers of Encino Man after he hath whooped his neighbor’s ass in a skull-bashing contest. Despite the fact that he lived alongside these pioneers of fair weather they ignored his existence until they wanted to be a part of his path to glory. Fast-forward 20,000 years and not much has changed. Enter, our modern day caveman, Alexander Ovechkin. A.O. has brought the District out of a sports coma in a big way. People who have been avoiding sporting events for years now have a reason to return to the stadiums, excuse me one stadium, and those who never thought they would see a winner in our Nation’s capital are starting to whisper about the possibility of a world championship. All and all it’s a phenomenal time to be a Caps fan. Perhaps that’s why there are so many Caps fans sprouting up all over the world. As much as I’d like to analyze our Euro fan-base the focus of this note is on the North American phenomena of the bandwagon fan, I couldn’t possibly do the stein -chugging, soccer-loving hooligans of the world justice because of my lack of first-hand interaction with their crazy asses.

If you call a true sports fan a bandwagon fan, you might as well kick a pigeon in front of Mike Tyson because you’re going to die. Nothing conjures up the pain and suffering of a die-hard fan like being grouped together with the people who have not been losing sleep over your teams loses for the past umpteen years. This is a bigger sin than calling a Tar Heel fan a Dookie, or a Buckeye fan a Wolverine. You just don’t do it. Thus, we must all have some means of recognizing die-hard fans from those who are just along for the ride to avoid unnecessary homicides and the like.

Because the Caps are our shiny, new toy and our inspiration for this article we will use their current situation as an example but you can fill in which ever team you like because there is at least one in every sport, each season (SEE for example, Tampa Bay Rays, Jordan’s Bulls and Boston anything). The Caps are not your typical bandwagon team. They did not come from obscurity and their success has been building since the NHL got back from its little lockout in 2004-05. Thus, these fans may be harder to pick out than the Rays fans that filled Tropicana field for the World Series last year with stickers on their brand-new, flat-billed ball caps. Although trivia about retired players and current rosters may immediately expose some bandwagon fans, the intelligent ones will be privy to this information thanks to the Internet and will be more prepared for your inquisition than a Soviet spy. Thus other avenues should be traversed. More efficient identifying questions focus on tricking the bandwagon fan and catching them in their web of lies. Casual conversation spliced with misinformation will let you know if you are dealing with a true fan or a poser. I real fan will not hesitate to interrupt you and correct information about a player or the team while a bandwagon fan is likely to let it slide assuming that it is just “something they missed in their Google search.” Wearing 3 Al Iafrate jerseys and a Don Beaupre blocker won’t shield a bandwagon Caps fan from this type of exposure. The same can be done for most teams but this becomes inherently more difficult when dealing with expansion teams.

Luckily the DC area only yields one team that resembles an expansion team, that being the Nats, and any poor bastard who roots for them knows that only bandwagon coming to town is anytime soon is the one with 100 loses on it. Overall bandwagon fans are relatively harmless but they should be identified so that they do not tarnish the images of our illustrious fan bases. Such a tragedy would occur if a loudmouth bandwagon fan (oxymoron) gets himself into a showdown with a true fan from an opposing squad. Upon viewing such a slaughter, a true fan should not hesitate to be the third-man-in on the altercation and should worry about bashing the bandwagoner at a later time. If such an accident occurs without intervention it should immediately be deleted from the memory bank like the Chinese do for the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989. In general I don’t have much of a problem with bandwagon fans, they pump revenue into the sports I love and they separate the maniacs like me when they fill the stadiums.

As a side note I really don’t think there should be many rules of fandom outside of loyalty. I have no problem with you rooting for the Yankees, 49ers, Bulls and Duke basketball if that is where your allegiance has always been. Also if you want to have sex with Carlos Mencia, you just go ahead, I’m not here to judge you. The reasoning for the teams you root for is immaterial. I don’t care if it was your dad’s team or your grandma bought you a jersey when you had your first nocturnal emission. Your teams are your teams but you better be prepared to stick with that team forever, barring a short list of exceptions like: team relocation, growing up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport or marrying into franchise ownership which no one reading this blog will ever have to worry about. If you aren’t an athlete or a professional gambler and you only root for individual athletes kill yourself.

For anyone who is concerned that someone close to them may be a bandwagon fan or may be on the verge of becoming one please read this Bill Simmons article from a few years ago which lays the groundwork for bandwagon prevention and intervention. Also, if you are more proactive you could just put a plastic bag over his head and whisper, “Goodnight sweet prince.”

And for your daily dose of pleasure. I know where amazing happens. As always, Hail.

Rocking The Red and Unleashing The Fury Moscow Style

I've been lucky enough to see some great games in person over the past few years. I was there when, after the Redskins blocked a Dallas last second field goal attempt, the great Sean Taylor scooped up the ball, ran through a face mask penalty and set up the Skins' game winning kick. I saw Ryan Zimmerman christen the Nationals' new ballpark with a walk off home run. I watched the Terps football team beat Miami and Florida State in back-to-back weeks. I was even able to enjoy the Lee Greenwood classic "Proud To Be An American" at the Army vs. Navy football game in Baltimore. I've seen game winning 2-minute drills, monster dunks, grand slams, and half court shots. But nothing I have ever seen in the world of sports can compare to being at the Verizon Center last night where I had the privilege to witness Alexander Ovechkin scorch three pucks past the Penguins' dumbfounded goalie.

Being that I'm a Washington sports fan I haven't had many chances to see any kind of playoff games over the years, but for once the stars aligned and I got tickets for "Caps vs. Pens Part II: Gary Bettman's Wet Dream" with some friends. There was a buzz in the air around the Verizon Center and you just knew that with these two teams anything was possible. The first period went by and while it was exciting to be there it wasn't the psychotic frat party from hell that I always hoped I'd get to see. The Pens had the lead after that bitch Sidney "The Anti-Haberdasher" Crosby slipped a goal under Varlamov's pads and the Pens fans were feeling a little too good about themselves. I was nervous that after watching game 1 on TV that there'd be no way for game 2 to compare. In my mind the final score would end up being 1-0, because, like I said before, I'm a Washington sports fan.

But over the next two periods, despite Andy Sandberg's stunt double eventually getting the cheapest hat trick in the history of men whacking things with sticks, Alex The Great transcended the game. With two rocket one-timers Ovie tied it up and then gave the good guys the lead. With each of his goals the atmosphere in the Phone Booth intensified as Caps began to swell with pride while the invaders from Pittsburgh sunk deeper into their seats. When the Unleash The Fury video was played with around 5 minutes left I was literally shaking with excitement and no one was in their seat. The stage was set for Alex The Great to grab the reins and and cement his place as the best hockey player alive. On a fast break past my former favorite Capital, Sergi Gonchar, #8 unleashed the fury in the form of a redonkulous slap shot over Fleury's outstretched glove.

Total euphoria. Total excitement. It didn't matter that Crosby would eventually swat his 3rd goal in with 30 seconds left (I'll admit that he's a better player than I've given him credit for in the past, but he's no Ovechkin) because this was The Ovie Show. Every time Ovie's skates touch the ice you get the feeling that you're going to see something amazing. The Redskins seem lost in the abyss, the Wizards probably won't rise above mediocrity any time soon, and the Nationals are the Nationals, but with Ovechkin and the amazing supporting cast of Mike Green, Alexander Semin, Nicholas Backstrom, Brooks Laich, and now Simeon Varlamov, just to name a few, you might start to believe that we could all be rocking the red for a long time. Of course this series could easily blow up in our faces and the summer could come sooner than we hope, but either way this team is bringing passion back to DC and I for one couldn't be happier.

Oh yeah, suck it, Don Cherry.

The Waiting Game: A Season Ticket Dilemma

After graduating from college back in 2004 I figured that since I'd be gainfully employed for the 40-60 years I should place my name on the Redskins season ticket waiting list. The prevailing school of thought at the time was that it took nearly 20 years for a person on the list to get their tickets so I figured I better get on it as soon as possible. Hopes for the future were high as Joe Gibbs had just returned and it seemed like Danny Snyder might be ready to let people who knew football decide what players to get. I knew that I was in for a potentially long wait to get my own tickets, but I didn't care.

I figured that by the time I was an out of shape, balding, bitter middle aged man I'd achieve the mythical status of Redskins Season Ticket Holder and I'd be able to go to every home game and sit in my very own seats. It was a dream for me. No more having to beg, borrow, or steal from my friends. No more having to deal with StubHub and their endless service charges and hidden fees. No more having to awkwardly meet up with strangers from Craigslist in back alleys or burnt out warehouses. My tickets would be delivered directly to my home via golden winged angels and all would be right with the world. I'd make friends with the people around me. The Redskins would party like it was 1991 and I'd get to be there for every playoff game.

Cut to a week ago - the lie that it takes 20 years for a Redskins fan to get season tickets came tumbling down when a nondescript letter showed up at my apartment, complete with an official Redskins' return address label. "What ever could this be," I said to my pet house plant. Based on the way the Snyder reign has gone and the fact that I work in the junk mail industry I assumed I was pre-approved for a Redskins credit card with a 75% interest rate and a free complementary umbrella, or there was a sale of Redskins Swatches at the local team store. I opened the letter with the enthusiasm of a man with an envelope from the IRS audit department. "Dear Mr. Cannon," hum, this sounds official, "CONGRATULATIONS." Pre-approval here we come... "The most valuable ticket is now yours! (U2 tickets?) With over 200,000 fans on the waitlist behind you (they must have been inspired by Jim Zorn's hair style and quotable personality), don't miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity to enjoy Redskins Season Tickets! Keep tickets in your family for generations!" After less than five years on the Redskins season ticket waiting list my number had come up. Some how against all odds either enough people have dumped their tickets or FedEx Field added seats in concourse and bathroom making me eligible to pay face value, plus all taxes, charges, and fees to get season tickets. On top of that the Redskins are even offering me a $25 Redskins Retail Store Gift Card just for sending in a $100 per seat deposit! Plus, according to the letter I can "resell [my] tickets at a profit via StubHub for any game [I am] unable to attend!" (I thought it was illegal to sell your tickets for over face value, but apparently not) Talk about a win/win/win situation!

Now here's my problem - after thinking how great it would be to have season tickets, now that the opportunity is right in front of me I'm really not sure if I'm interested. My friends, the infamous Brothers Loubert, had season tickets for a few years so I've been fortunate enough to see about 80% of Redskins home games since around 2002. But Loubert The Elder got so fed up with the way the team treats their fans that he canceled his account and now gets tickets online for only the games that interest him. Between the increasingly apathetic atmosphere at the giant dump that is FedEx Field, the fact that it seems like at least 20% of the people at the stadium are rooting for the opposition, the crappy parking/tailgating situation, me feeling like I'm a 67 year old man trapped in a 26 year old body the day after attending games, and the fact that within 10 years no matter how crappy my seats are they'll probably cost me over $100 a pop I don't know if I can justify making the commitment.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Redskins and I love going to see them play but I just feel like the Redskins' ownership has made such a mockery of the franchise over the past decade that I don't know if I want to financially support them. I currently pick and choose the games I'm interested in and get tickets on the internet that's been just fine. It usually isn't difficult because with a 92,000+ seat stadium there are almost always tickets to be had. My hope is that in the not to distant future the team will be so good that all the bandwagoners will hop back aboard and tickets will be hard to come by. In the mean time I'm left to wonder if I should call the ticket office back or trash the letter. Hail to the Redskins indeed.