Reflecting on the Detroit Meltdown...Looking Forward

Fail to the Redskins

So I figured I'd let the dust settle for a few days before really reflecting on the Lions game. The D.C. media has had a field day with this thing and it seems almost like half of our fan base was rooting for this type of a shit-the-bed game to illustrate the futility of the entire organization. No true Redskins fan could say they were surprised or caught off guard by what happened in Detroit. Everyone knew Detroit had improved this year and the Redskins didn't hide the fact that they have apparently forgotten how to put the ball into the end zone. Obviously there is no excuse for being the first victim to lose to the Lions in their last 20 games but it couldn't have happened to a more hapless group that the Redskins. I found myself so frustrated during the first half of the game that I began writing down my thoughts in an attempt to prevent my self from spitting on the television whenever they showed Zorn looking clueless. Here are those notes unedited from when I wrote them:

1st half

-It all starts with the coach…this team lacks discipline and motivation

- WR fumbles and D-Hall literally stood over the ball and watched a Lion slide in and cover it. Neat.

-The coaching decisions have been atrocious, even if it had worked out you never give a team another chance. 4th and 3 or 3rd and 13? Make them attempt the FG. You haven’t stopped them all day and then you call a Time out on 3rd down to save them time and then they go down and lay another score on you. Well done Zorn. Maybe you should have asked Tom Cruise (Stefen Djordjovic) to talk to the defense because his game in 'All the Right Moves' looks tougher than Blache's D right now.

-Defense jumping offsides multiple times...way to help out their rookie QB. Discipline. Where in the F is our pressure? Why aren't we blitzing?

-Guys hanging their heads right and left on the sideline. It's only 10-0 but it feels like 30.

-Only person I ever see Zorn interact with is Campbell

-No on is held accountable for their mistakes

-Is LaRon Landry still on the team, haven't seen him make a form tackle all year. Take out that damn lip ring bro! Please.

-Haynesworth collapses after first sack of season – like we didn’t see that one coming. See ya in 2010. (He came back into the game in the 3rd quarter).

-Have to feel bad for Portis he is a victim of a terribly predictable playcalling system, 4th and goal from the one, shocker that you are not going to run to the side without 2 backups on it. Not to mention we lined up for the play, they called timeout, and we came out in the same formation and ran the play anyways. Why run wide?! If you can't get one yard when you need it from your offensive line things need to change.

-Playcalling is always predictable. Nothing is ever set up, the Lions have been setting up Calvin Johnson’s reverse from the beginning of the game and the Skins D has to respect that while Kevin Jones rips off nice runs up the middle. (Lions then went on to finally hand the ball to Johnson on the reverse late in the 4th quarter to help run out the clock).

-Ive seen 4 people show any emotion in this game, Rocky McIntosh, Reed Doughty, Cooley and London Fletcher (as usual). 13-0 at the half. Lifeless. God please take my life.

2nd half

-Moss scores, somehow this doesn't feel like the start of a comeback but more like a lone highlight for Sportscenter.

-Randle El is telling Campbell to hurry up and snap the ball. Delay of game.

-JC is missing open guys high again, got WRs coming back to the huddle telling JC they were open.

-Obviously the refs should not be a factor in the games but calls like waving off a facemask after a ref saw it and called it from the best possible angle is egregious and obviously a product of some error. Questionable interference call on Horton but I almost find myself rooting for the Lions, they have dominated this game and are in 'Holy shit we are going to win, let's run out the next 15 minutes mode.'

-Skins gave the game away, refs finished them off. Two biggest plays of the second half for the Lions were a waved off facemask call and a pass interference on a desperation heave on third down to give them the ball inside the 10.

-One complement to Campbell is that his play-calling is better than Zorn we seem to move the ball better in a two-minute offense than we do throughout the game. Take the leash off him Zorn, there is nothing left to lose!!!

-I take that back Campbell, checking the ball down to a RB for a 3-yard gain with under a minute left is worse than throwing the ball away. This isn't news.

-Matt Stafford, put your fucking tongue away in this league if you want to keep it.

-In the NFL it boils down to this, either you are a playoff team or you aren’t. As a Redskins fan would you really want to be led to believe this is a playoff team with a weak schedule early in the year only to be let down this winter? Not me. I’ll take a consistently awful team, which we are. A team who may have the chance to ruin some teams playoff runs down the line but will in no way deserve to be involved ourselves. Our opening schedule is extremely weak but it will get much tougher should be a 6-10 season at best if changes aren't made.


End of notes.

A couple days later I have settled down but I don't really have anything to retract from my in-game comments. We show no passion out there and our potential is not even close to being represented on the field. The question then becomes, why? Who is to blame? Players? Coaches? Front office? LaVar Arrigton and John Riggins think it is the owner, the media think it's the coach (probably because they can't say anything negative about the owner or they will find themselves bound and gagged and thrown in the Anacostia River because he owns pretty much every media device in the area), and the players seem to be blaming themselves. It's only week 3 and we are on the heels of a full-scale implosion. Luckily for Zorn's job security he is a "yes-man" to Snyder and will likely hold onto his job more than someone who actual had testicles would.

Strangely my feelings about this game have gone from depression, to apathy to a weird sort of pseudo-optimism. Maybe I just hate the majority that much. Right now people are pissing on us for losing to the Lions because it ended their futility streak. Fair-weather Skins fans are jumping off the bandwagon (good riddance) and generally people in the District are overreacting (typical). Granted the Lions suck but you'll see them win 4-6 games this season and then this loss will just look like another blown opportunity to win a game away from home. It's no worse than any other loss we've given away over the past 10 years, and this in no way approaches the feelings durring the Spurrier era, it's just that this gives fodder to Redskins haters to say "haha...you all are a joke" which currently is dead on. The good thing is that losses like this usually inspire change, whether it be people getting fired, the team fighting each other and finding out who really wants it OR it could just lead to the wheels falling off: people not showing up to games, the team quitting on each other and generally finishing the season 3-13, which I don't think can or will happen with our potential.

Don't get me wrong we suck, 8-8 at best, but at least now we can play spoiler to legit teams and not have the false hope of actually making the playoffs like we do most years.

On a more depressing note the Terps are absolute do-do. I would love to incorporate some college football into this blog but they have made the thought of covering games less appealing than bathing with a toaster. I may just start betting against them every week to pay back my student loans. They couldn't get worse and until they prove otherwise I don't think they are worthy of taking the field against another D-1 school. They could conceivably only win 3-4 games this year and that is AT BEST. We've come a long way since Fridge led Vanderlinden's players to the Orange Bowl haven't we? Too bad he'd have to literally take his pants off, eat nachos and crap on the 50 yard line during a game in which the Terps are losing by 100 to be fired because Debbie Yow is a two-timing bull dyke (just speculating) and best friends with a coach who would rather see players graduate than win football games. I love having a woman for an Athletic Directior. Long live Title 9. Idiots.

In a rare attempt to end on a positive note the Caps season starts tomorrow and expectations have never been higher. The rest of the Washington area sports world has let us down royally and all our hopes and dreams will be riding on #8 this season. I'm trying not to get too excited because apparently the sports gods don't like to see me happy and they will spitefully tear his ACL in November if I start talking about the C-U-P potential of the Caps. I'll hold off on that for now and leave you with another D.C. area bright spot. The Nats locked up the #1 pick in next years draft last night and they are looking to draft Superman AKA the LeBron of Baseball (this kid is 16) and tonight Sherwood-UMD product Justin Maxwell hit a sweet walk-off grand slam to end the game, which I would enjoy even more if the Nats didn't have the worst play-by-play guys in baseball history. Smile while you can children, smile while you can. Happy Hockey Season.

And for your moment of Zen, I've figured out how to get the Redskins to perform better...more monkeys in Gucci bags!!!

Where are you when we suck? Analyzing the phenomena of the “bandwagon fan"

Celebrities are a painful reminder of the damage caused by bandwagon fans

As long as there has been sport there has been bandwagon fans. The drawings of Paleolithic men etched on the walls of caves tens of thousands of years ago depicted these rituals. According to Encino Man the first bandwagon fans consisted of brutes and women folk who only became admirers of Encino Man after he hath whooped his neighbor’s ass in a skull-bashing contest. Despite the fact that he lived alongside these pioneers of fair weather they ignored his existence until they wanted to be a part of his path to glory. Fast-forward 20,000 years and not much has changed. Enter, our modern day caveman, Alexander Ovechkin. A.O. has brought the District out of a sports coma in a big way. People who have been avoiding sporting events for years now have a reason to return to the stadiums, excuse me one stadium, and those who never thought they would see a winner in our Nation’s capital are starting to whisper about the possibility of a world championship. All and all it’s a phenomenal time to be a Caps fan. Perhaps that’s why there are so many Caps fans sprouting up all over the world. As much as I’d like to analyze our Euro fan-base the focus of this note is on the North American phenomena of the bandwagon fan, I couldn’t possibly do the stein -chugging, soccer-loving hooligans of the world justice because of my lack of first-hand interaction with their crazy asses.

If you call a true sports fan a bandwagon fan, you might as well kick a pigeon in front of Mike Tyson because you’re going to die. Nothing conjures up the pain and suffering of a die-hard fan like being grouped together with the people who have not been losing sleep over your teams loses for the past umpteen years. This is a bigger sin than calling a Tar Heel fan a Dookie, or a Buckeye fan a Wolverine. You just don’t do it. Thus, we must all have some means of recognizing die-hard fans from those who are just along for the ride to avoid unnecessary homicides and the like.

Because the Caps are our shiny, new toy and our inspiration for this article we will use their current situation as an example but you can fill in which ever team you like because there is at least one in every sport, each season (SEE for example, Tampa Bay Rays, Jordan’s Bulls and Boston anything). The Caps are not your typical bandwagon team. They did not come from obscurity and their success has been building since the NHL got back from its little lockout in 2004-05. Thus, these fans may be harder to pick out than the Rays fans that filled Tropicana field for the World Series last year with stickers on their brand-new, flat-billed ball caps. Although trivia about retired players and current rosters may immediately expose some bandwagon fans, the intelligent ones will be privy to this information thanks to the Internet and will be more prepared for your inquisition than a Soviet spy. Thus other avenues should be traversed. More efficient identifying questions focus on tricking the bandwagon fan and catching them in their web of lies. Casual conversation spliced with misinformation will let you know if you are dealing with a true fan or a poser. I real fan will not hesitate to interrupt you and correct information about a player or the team while a bandwagon fan is likely to let it slide assuming that it is just “something they missed in their Google search.” Wearing 3 Al Iafrate jerseys and a Don Beaupre blocker won’t shield a bandwagon Caps fan from this type of exposure. The same can be done for most teams but this becomes inherently more difficult when dealing with expansion teams.

Luckily the DC area only yields one team that resembles an expansion team, that being the Nats, and any poor bastard who roots for them knows that only bandwagon coming to town is anytime soon is the one with 100 loses on it. Overall bandwagon fans are relatively harmless but they should be identified so that they do not tarnish the images of our illustrious fan bases. Such a tragedy would occur if a loudmouth bandwagon fan (oxymoron) gets himself into a showdown with a true fan from an opposing squad. Upon viewing such a slaughter, a true fan should not hesitate to be the third-man-in on the altercation and should worry about bashing the bandwagoner at a later time. If such an accident occurs without intervention it should immediately be deleted from the memory bank like the Chinese do for the Tiananmen Square protests of 1989. In general I don’t have much of a problem with bandwagon fans, they pump revenue into the sports I love and they separate the maniacs like me when they fill the stadiums.

As a side note I really don’t think there should be many rules of fandom outside of loyalty. I have no problem with you rooting for the Yankees, 49ers, Bulls and Duke basketball if that is where your allegiance has always been. Also if you want to have sex with Carlos Mencia, you just go ahead, I’m not here to judge you. The reasoning for the teams you root for is immaterial. I don’t care if it was your dad’s team or your grandma bought you a jersey when you had your first nocturnal emission. Your teams are your teams but you better be prepared to stick with that team forever, barring a short list of exceptions like: team relocation, growing up in a city that didn't field a team for a specific sport or marrying into franchise ownership which no one reading this blog will ever have to worry about. If you aren’t an athlete or a professional gambler and you only root for individual athletes kill yourself.

For anyone who is concerned that someone close to them may be a bandwagon fan or may be on the verge of becoming one please read this Bill Simmons article from a few years ago which lays the groundwork for bandwagon prevention and intervention. Also, if you are more proactive you could just put a plastic bag over his head and whisper, “Goodnight sweet prince.”

And for your daily dose of pleasure. I know where amazing happens. As always, Hail.

Rocking The Red and Unleashing The Fury Moscow Style

I've been lucky enough to see some great games in person over the past few years. I was there when, after the Redskins blocked a Dallas last second field goal attempt, the great Sean Taylor scooped up the ball, ran through a face mask penalty and set up the Skins' game winning kick. I saw Ryan Zimmerman christen the Nationals' new ballpark with a walk off home run. I watched the Terps football team beat Miami and Florida State in back-to-back weeks. I was even able to enjoy the Lee Greenwood classic "Proud To Be An American" at the Army vs. Navy football game in Baltimore. I've seen game winning 2-minute drills, monster dunks, grand slams, and half court shots. But nothing I have ever seen in the world of sports can compare to being at the Verizon Center last night where I had the privilege to witness Alexander Ovechkin scorch three pucks past the Penguins' dumbfounded goalie.

Being that I'm a Washington sports fan I haven't had many chances to see any kind of playoff games over the years, but for once the stars aligned and I got tickets for "Caps vs. Pens Part II: Gary Bettman's Wet Dream" with some friends. There was a buzz in the air around the Verizon Center and you just knew that with these two teams anything was possible. The first period went by and while it was exciting to be there it wasn't the psychotic frat party from hell that I always hoped I'd get to see. The Pens had the lead after that bitch Sidney "The Anti-Haberdasher" Crosby slipped a goal under Varlamov's pads and the Pens fans were feeling a little too good about themselves. I was nervous that after watching game 1 on TV that there'd be no way for game 2 to compare. In my mind the final score would end up being 1-0, because, like I said before, I'm a Washington sports fan.

But over the next two periods, despite Andy Sandberg's stunt double eventually getting the cheapest hat trick in the history of men whacking things with sticks, Alex The Great transcended the game. With two rocket one-timers Ovie tied it up and then gave the good guys the lead. With each of his goals the atmosphere in the Phone Booth intensified as Caps began to swell with pride while the invaders from Pittsburgh sunk deeper into their seats. When the Unleash The Fury video was played with around 5 minutes left I was literally shaking with excitement and no one was in their seat. The stage was set for Alex The Great to grab the reins and and cement his place as the best hockey player alive. On a fast break past my former favorite Capital, Sergi Gonchar, #8 unleashed the fury in the form of a redonkulous slap shot over Fleury's outstretched glove.

Total euphoria. Total excitement. It didn't matter that Crosby would eventually swat his 3rd goal in with 30 seconds left (I'll admit that he's a better player than I've given him credit for in the past, but he's no Ovechkin) because this was The Ovie Show. Every time Ovie's skates touch the ice you get the feeling that you're going to see something amazing. The Redskins seem lost in the abyss, the Wizards probably won't rise above mediocrity any time soon, and the Nationals are the Nationals, but with Ovechkin and the amazing supporting cast of Mike Green, Alexander Semin, Nicholas Backstrom, Brooks Laich, and now Simeon Varlamov, just to name a few, you might start to believe that we could all be rocking the red for a long time. Of course this series could easily blow up in our faces and the summer could come sooner than we hope, but either way this team is bringing passion back to DC and I for one couldn't be happier.

Oh yeah, suck it, Don Cherry.

Caps-Pens Series Outlook: Varlamov Shows Steely Reserve in Game 1

One thing is for sure; the NHL got the match-up they'd been hoping for since Ovie and Crosby got into the NHL with Washington and Pittsburgh facing off. This is the kind of polarizing match-up (ala Manning/Brady Shaq/Kobe) that can boost ratings and maybe even give the NHL a pulse in the U.S. but don't hold your breath. When it comes to #8 and # 87 even the most passive hockey fan has some opinion about who they root for. The sparsely facial haired, toothless Wildman from the Soviet Union represents the Caps while the demonic, pre-pubescent dainty schoolgirl from the land of Molson fuels the Pens. As a Caps fan there is little debate as to who is the more dominant individual athlete, but one of the interesting things about OV-Cros is that both teams feel like they have the right guy. The tools around Crosby play to his strengths while Ovechkin is happy to take a game over when they need it or play cheerleader for Semin and Backstrom when they are on. The ballerina style of Crosby and the balls out style of Ovechkin will be in the spotlight throughout this series and we will finally see which style stands up to the standards of the modern NHL. I say modern because 20 years ago Crosby would have been the only player with a bonnet on and would be in a body bag by his second shift, while Ovechkin would probably be the only guy to actually take off his skate and stab someone with it during a celebration. As much as I would like OV to ravage Crosby in every statistical category throughout this series we have bigger fish to fry.

Grabbing game 1 was huge for the Caps because ultimately this team plays best when they are freewheeling and giving them a cushion does that. It was clear in the first series that the Caps knew they had a monkey on their back having not won a series in 10 years but now they are playing with house money and have been given a match-up with a team they know they can beat. Not that this series will be anything but painfully close down to the last bloody second but I think this will be a different Caps team than the one the Rangers pushed around. With that cautious optimism in mind, I am reminded that I am a Washington sports fan so I am just waiting for this whole thing to blow up in my face. In my heart I just know god is devising new ways to make me suffer. Between the agony of rooting for the Redskins, Bullets, Nats, O's, Caps and Terps over the last 26 years I have come to expect failure, especially when it comes to the playoffs and, god forbid, a national stage. This mental ailment has recently eased when it comes to the Caps as they have won in fashions unseen since Gibbs Part I, that is: winning late, holding a lead, adjusting to the opponent and not gut-punching the fans late in games.

The Caps could very well lose this series for a number of reasons. 1. The Pens have more experience, they went to the friggin finals last year while the Caps were teeing off at Congressional. 2. Varlamov could wake up and act like a 21 year old. In post game interviews veterans like Federov say stuff in broken Russian like, "He don't realize what he doing." Add that to the fact that Boudreau doesn't even talk to him for fear of throwing him off kilter and you've got yourself a genuine concern as the stakes get higher. 3. Ovechkin makes it about him v. Crosby, not the team v. Pitt. This is the least of my worries because I think Ovechkin doesn't give a shot of Stoli what anybody thinks of him he just wants to win, but you never know, people have egos even in Russia. 4. Pittsburgh could win a heart-breaking overtime game and the series could turn. Up 1-0, the momentum is the Caps to lose but I just don't know if the team is over the Game 7 OT loss last year and I know fans aren't over the Pens ownership of the Caps throughout the 90's including this gem. God I hate Pittsburgh. Despite these negatives I think the Caps win this series in 6 games. Home ice is the least advantageous home advantage in playoff sports, sure it's more fun to win at home but hockey teams win anywhere. The separation from the fans and the speed of the game don't let the fans play a factor like they do in other sports. Sure a tripping call here or there may get called at home and missed on the road but generally the refs are pretty consistently terrible. Given that the Caps took the first game I think this series gets to 2-2 before the Caps steal the last two and lock up a trip to the conference finals in front of a bunch of people with mustaches in the city whose two best exports are ketchup and Steel. Caps in 6.