Grantland Fantasy Island Contest

So I failed to be selected for the Grantland Fantasy Island Final Competition (Top 5 fantasy players of 2012, 1 sleeper, under 750 words). It's not my fault that those hacks couldn't comprehend my genius, says the wittiest guy I know. Silver lining? The experience has motivated me to once again begin sharing the thoughts of a man on the brink. My submission can be found below.

I am America, so desperate for a job that an ad for an unpaid apprenticeship as a fantasy football blogger gets me as giddy as Mike Tyson in a pigeon coup. Hey, when you’re too old to send in audition tapes for The Real World 76 there just aren’t that many equally satisfying alternatives.

First, any submission for this contest submitted prior to midnight Thursday is inherently flawed.  Anyone who has ever played fantasy before knows that procrastination is a winner’s best friend. Two of the games biggest stars were in action last night, and therefore at risk of devastating injury, by including them in your ‘Top 5’ you were effectively telling the faithful readers of Grantland that you don’t care how their seasons unfolded. I AM SENSITIVE TO THE NEEDS OF THE PEOPLE!

Without further adieu, I give you my top-five fantasy players. I root for the bad guy in movies so naturally each of these gentleman will be escorted down the aisle by their bad guy counterpart.

1. Ray Rice – Simon Phoenix (Demolition Man)

Like Simon Phoenix it’s difficult to tell if Rice was sent to us from the past or from the future. The only thing that is clear is that he has come here to destroy our preconceptions. Do you remember when RB1s touched the ball 25-30 times a game, scored at least every other week and considered 90 total yards a bad week? Even Mike Shannahan used to believe in such a thing. Rice is a dying breed, he rarely ever gets dinged due to his tree trunk thighs and his running style makes him approximately 3 feet tall.  He’s the safest bet in the draft, as his team will inevitably realize that Joe Flacco is their quarterback.

2. Aaron Rodgers – Hanibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

Has anyone ever regretted drafting Aaron Rodgers at any point, in any draft, ever? Rodgers is Hanibal Lecter, he will literally dissect your team and you will feel yourself rooting for him. Is it the discount double-check? The back shoulder passes? The cheekbones? No one knows. What we do know is: he runs, he throws, he has weapons everywhere, and he hates losing (as in once in the year 2011). He will make your team competitive regardless of what you draft around him. No one ever wants to play against a guy who can drop 40 points at will.

3. Calvin Johnson – Megatron (Transformers)

R.I.P. Madden Curse. Madden could have double-covered Megatron and his efforts would have been futile. We may never see another creature exactly like Megatron again in our lives. He’s a freak of nature with no ceiling. If Stafford stays healthy for a full year it’s frightening what Megatron might be able to do. They literally changed a rule because this guy was doing things that the refs could not visually process. I’m not afraid to say I am in love with Johnson. Everyone that plays fantasy should have Megatron on their team at least once, its ecstasy. 

4. Arian Foster – Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

Call it, friend-o. Foster is a coin flip. He will either lead all fantasy backs in points or miss six games with a knee. If you like gambling and you have a top 5 pick go with Foster but anyone else on this list is less risky. Sorry I have to go I hear Ben Tate coming.

5. LeSean McCoy – Bane (Dark Knight Rises)

You know what I trust less than Michael Vick’s ribs? Mike Kafka’s arm. If you take LeSean in the Top 5 you are betting that Vick will not survive and the Eagles will once again rely on McCoy. McCoy is Bane, he’s the new kid on the block but lasting appeal is in question. This match is also appropriate because Eagles fans are the most likely to implode their own stadium if the Dream Team disappoints again.

Sleeper - Justin Blackmon – Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

The second half of the draft is when leagues are won or lost. Getting value out of these picks is key. While most of your buddies are on their sixth beer and making the same Houshmandzadeh joke for the 5^th year in a row, draft the American Psycho. Rookie wide recievers notoriously struggle, especially when being thrown to by Blaine Gabbert, but Blackmon is going in the 11^th round in most leagues and even though he seems about as crazy as T.O. he may be as talented.