Fantasy All-Star Lineup - Early Addition - Manny the Tranny

"I swear when I'm done with the prescription it will only be this big"

The first month of the MLB season is behind us and while the Nat’s and O’s battle to see who can lose 100 games first this year, the rest of the league continues to play baseball. In an attempt to divert attention from the pitiful state of my own fantasy teams I figured I’d give some love to the guys who are actually getting the job done so far this year. More to come on the overall state of fantasy baseball in America in the future, but for now without further ado I give you the early risers from this young fantasy season.

American League

C– Victor Martinez (Cle.) Solid stats across the board but don’t expect him to continue to bat near .400 for the rest of the year. Safe bet to keep this spot throughout the year unless Joe Mauer (Min.) comes on strong after missing most of the first month.

1B- Carlos Peña (TB) I don’t even want to say it, but are we nearing the point where the HR leader should be piss tested every month? I think we are getting close. Thanks Manny.

2B- Ian Kinsler (Tex.) Just doing what everyone expected him to do despite the fact that Josh Hamilton has been banged up and a shell of his ’08 self. Props to Aaron Hill (Tor.), he’s destined for the comeback player of the year award.

3B- Evan Longoria (TB) Seemingly this desperate housewife is the only trying to keep the MVP trophy from Pujols so far. Although Tampa has decided to only play their best ball against Boston and New York, they are setting up an unprecedented 4-teams race for the playoffs in the AL East if Toronto continues to overachieve. Sorry O’s.

SS- Michael Young (Tex.) If the Rangers had any starting pitching whatsoever the AL would be at their mercy. As of now they have one of the most exciting batting orders in the league and when Hamilton is healthy and Chris Davis comes around there are 6 guys who could hit 30 ding-dongs. I’m getting on their bandwagon a year early but if I was forced to watch one AL team all year it would probably be these guys.

OF- Jason Bay (Bos.) Manny who? Once this bastard got out of the city where dreams go to die he remembered why he loved baseball like Jimmy Dugan.

OF- Nick Markakis (Bal.) One of two early bright spots from the O’s outfield, between Nick and Adam Jones they have crossed the plate 61 times already this year while driving in almost 50. Besides Boog Powell’s BBQ Mr. Markakis is probably the best reason to go to Camden Yards these days. Nick’s Yaya and Papu must be so proud.

OF- Carl Crawford (TB) The second most exciting offense to watch in the AL is fueled by Mr. Crawford’s wheels. Stealing 6 bags in a game last week was just plain rude. He could have gone Rickey Henderson and pulled the 6th bag out of the ground and no one would have been able to say anything about it.

SP- Zack Greinke (KC) Undoubtedly the biggest storyline of the early season outside of Manny’s female fertility drug use is Greinke’s rise from mediocrity to dominance. So apparently this guy saw a psychologist in the off-season who diagnosed him with depression and some other frivolous made up disorder, this led to the Quack giving him magic pills and therapy that have resulted in more unhittable pitching than the kid from Rookie of the Year. Let’s put the odds of this sort of thing into perspective for a minute. In my life this would be like getting my self-deprecating cries for help diagnosed as depression, and months later becoming the best lawyer in the District only to have Brooklyn Decker leave Andy Roddick in the hopes that I would grace her with my presence. Ha! That bitch wishes.

SP- Roy Halladay (Tor.) Looks like the Yanks bought the wrong arm from Canada. Roy is probably the safest bet to play at this level throughout the year.

SP- Mark Buehrle (CWS) Vintage Buehrle, look for him to come down to a earth a bit but winning 15+ is not at all out of the question. What is this 2005? Next thing you know Mike Vick will be a starting QB in the NFL. Wait, what’s that? He just signed with Minnesota? Oh no, that’s next month.

RP- Frank Fransisco (Tex.) You can’t do much better than going 9 for 9 on save opportunities and not allowing a run. He could stand to lose a pound or 50 though.

National League

C- Bengie ‘The Eternal’ Molina (SF) Hi, Im Bengie Molina. I’m 35 and I continue to produce despite the lack of talent around me. My back hurts.

1B- Albert Pujols (St. Louis) I’m starting to this that Sportscenter cyborg commercial was not a joke. How are you only 29? I feel like you’ve been around for the last 15 years. Clearly the early MVP favorite, again.

2B- Chase Utley (Phi.) Does anyone remember when he was supposed to miss time this year? Well, so much for that. Who else did you expect to be the best 4-man in the NL, Brandon Phillips?

3B- Jorge Cantu (Fla.) As much as I wanted to play favorites and give the nod to Mr. Walk-Off (Ryan Zimmerman) and his 25-game hit streak I couldn’t ignore the 3 HR, 10 RBI advantage in 23 less at-bats. And as for Cantu’s astronomical start, well I’m not administering drug-tests in fantasy baseball but if we were…Thanks Manny.

SS- Hanley Ramirez (Fla.) Simply put, I want to have his babies. He’s basically LaDanian Tomlinson 3 years ago in fantasy football. If you somehow have him in a keeper-league you should consider believing in God.

OF- Alfonso Soriano (Cubs) The self-proclaimed hardest working man in baseball is teasing Cubs fans into thinking he is going to produce for a full year again. I think you can actually get Vegas odds on what his season ending injury will be this year? My money is on an MCL tear or the clap.

OF- Andre Ethier (LAD) Good start Andre; however you just lost a key part of the best outfield in the league (Manny). Look for Matt Kemps numbers to jump and Ethier’s to level off with the disappearance of the Tranny named Manny.

OF- Raul Ibanez (Phi.) I don’t like his face or his creepy flavor savor but I hate him less than I hate Shane Victorino so hats off you crazy bastard. Ryan Braun (Mil.) and Carlos Beltran (NYM) are right on the heels of all three of these early stars. Look for them to own these spots in the next couple weeks and not look back.

SP- Johan Santana (NYM) Silly how consistent he is. Silly. Not to mention how his name rolls off the tounge.

SP- Dan Haren (Ari.) 3-3 record is deceiving for how well he is pitching. Nobody but Johan is better in the NL and the record will indicate that by the end of the year.

SP- Chad Billingsley (LAD) Slipping past Tim Lincecum’s homeless looking ass, Chad has been unbeatable for L.A. Let’s hope he didn’t punch things with his throwing hand Carlos Quentin style when he got the news about Manny.

RP- Johnathan Broxton (LAD) Flamethrower has struck out 25 while saving 8 games for the once darling Dodgers. Look for this title to go to K-Rod before long.

If you find your boys on this list just hope they don’t peak too soon like Jessica Simpson otherwise they might find themselves mounted by Tony Romo before Independence Day.

Two unrelated stories. First the Internet has obviously begun to take itself too seriously. Not only have the powers that be allowed this site to be created but just yesterday some 17-year-old threatened the life of Alex Ovechkin on a site with even less credibility than this one and people actually took it seriously. The message was on a goddamn chat board and if this kid were at all serious, A.O. would have beaten him to death with his dick and then had the KGB turn his remains into taco meat. No need to arrest the kid just put him out on the ice and let him try to carry out his dream.

Secondly, I’ve received a few requests to expand this site’s ramblings beyond the umbrella of DC Sports. While I’d love to take a lyrical dump on teams from other cities I will try to avoid doing such for as long as I can. Talking about your city’s sports is like talking about your family. If your grandpa is a big piece of miserable shit of course you can say so but the second someone from outside your family calls him out you are ready to kill. The same goes for sports. I can bash my own family but I will try to avoid bashing yours…unless that city is Philadelphia of course.

Now, I'm off to watch the Caps steal game 4. I did not appreciate Malkin’s attempts to mock A.O.’s celebrations. He will pay with his blood. Sticking by Caps in 6.