Skins-Bucs Preview: "What are you gunna do?"

"Either we heal now as a team or we will die as individuals..."

If I've gotten one major complaint about this blog, besides how much it sucks, it's that I am too long-winded and people need a dictionary to know what the hell I'm saying. As a result I will keep the Skins preview short and sweet this week.

In the aftermath of the Lions game, D.C. seemed like the saddest sports town in the Nation. Radio stations are literally giving out paper bags tomorrow for disgruntled fans to wear to this weeks game that read, "Hate the owner, love the team." Some shmuck is selling his fan loyalty on EBay for $10,000+ (good riddance) and anyone from outside the Nation's capitol who viewed this spectacle would probably think the Redskins had just finished their 50th losing season in a row and were about to leave town. We're not Baltimore people. For God's sake! We aren't fair-weather sissies but we have had enough of this underachieving product over the past 12 months, errr 18 years.

The most shocking news I received all week was that we were 9-point favorites this Sunday. My first reaction was that I must have drank the wrong bottle from under the sink the night before, but when the line remained the same when I woke up sober on Tuesday, I immediately began wondering how terrible Tampa must be if they are that big of underdogs against the Skins. The answer is, they're pretty terrible. Bottom 5 offense in the league, bottom 2 defense in the league. Already turning to a back-up QB who has thrown a total of 10 NFL passes and the team is headed by a first year coach who may have bitten off more than he could chew.

Breaking down the game the most interesting statistic to watch tomorrow will be third-downs on both sides of the ball. The Bucs have the worst 3rd down offense in the league and the Skins have the worst 3rd down defense in the league (based on conversion %). Something has got to give. I can't imagine that the defense isn't pissed off after Detroit moved the ball up and down the field on them last week and I can't imagine that Tampa's offense can be too cocky seeing as Josh Johnson will be making his first start of his career without many weapons around him. Tampa's offense actually makes the Lions look pretty legitimate. Kellen Winslow should be good for as many personal fouls as catches and their most valuable weapon (Antonio Bryant) may not even play. If Tampa is going to be successful it will likely have to be fueled by their running game which has 3 very capable runners in Cadillac Williams, Derrick Ward, and Earnest Graham. All said, Tampa will not be looking to turn this game into a shootout. They are probably going to try to grind the ball and hope to keep our offense out of the endzone as everyone other team has been able to do thus far.

Of course if I am going to mention injuries and running the ball it is noteworthy that Clinton Portis is questionable for the game and if he plays he will likely be very limited (under 20 touches, unless they shoot him up with some good shit). With that said it is likely that Jason Campbell will be airing the ball out and once again the passing game will be what makes or breaks this game. If there was ever a time for a statement game this is it and the two people in Redskins gear under the most scrutiny tomorrow will be Jason Campbell and Jim Zorn. Their fates are eternally linked. "You go, we go."

If I were Jim Zorn this week instead of fraternizing with Tom Cruise before the game, I would give a stirring rendition of this speech (my favorite cinematic football speech) and make sure that the team took the field with an "us against the world" mentality because that is the position we, I mean they, are in right now. Fuck the fans, fuck the owner, fuck Vinny, fuck FedEx field, fuck unemployed bloggers who foresee our demise each week, this isn't about anything but the 53 men in that locker room, coming together, and playing for each other. I know, I am an idealistic dolt and none of the millionaires in the locker room are going to stand up and say that, but you gotta dream, right? God where is George Allen when you need him!? (If you're a Skins fan and don't know who George Allen is, first kill yourself and then watch this video. "40 men together, can't lose!" )

As for a prediction, what use are those really? We are either going to be the same team we were in Detroit and lose this game 16-13 in overtime. Suicide rates will skyrocket in the D.C. area and more hermaphrodite Skins fans will jump on the Ravens bandwagon. Or, we are finally going to pull together and put a bad team away. Early and often. A stat that is particularly distressing is that the last time the Skins scored 30+ points in a game was December 23, 2007. As an aside, the Saints are AVERAGING 40 point per game this season! And the Lions thought they had a streak?? Even the Browns went over 30 twice in that span! Stick that in your pipe ESPN. I'm going to go out on a limb (which should come in handy if we lose) and say that if the Redskins win this game it won't be squeaker. My much-maligned heart says that if the Zorn-driven Skins are ever going to put together a complete game, this will be it and they will romp, 31-10. Take it as you will but we should know what we are working with after the first quarter tomorrow. It's hard to call the fourth game of an NFL season a must-win but that is pretty much where we are right now with the Skins. Get your paper bags ready ladies...

Queue Jack Kent Cooke rolling in his grave.

And here is some painful nostalgia because I hate you. Hard to believe this is the same franchise.

The Waiting Game: A Season Ticket Dilemma

After graduating from college back in 2004 I figured that since I'd be gainfully employed for the 40-60 years I should place my name on the Redskins season ticket waiting list. The prevailing school of thought at the time was that it took nearly 20 years for a person on the list to get their tickets so I figured I better get on it as soon as possible. Hopes for the future were high as Joe Gibbs had just returned and it seemed like Danny Snyder might be ready to let people who knew football decide what players to get. I knew that I was in for a potentially long wait to get my own tickets, but I didn't care.

I figured that by the time I was an out of shape, balding, bitter middle aged man I'd achieve the mythical status of Redskins Season Ticket Holder and I'd be able to go to every home game and sit in my very own seats. It was a dream for me. No more having to beg, borrow, or steal from my friends. No more having to deal with StubHub and their endless service charges and hidden fees. No more having to awkwardly meet up with strangers from Craigslist in back alleys or burnt out warehouses. My tickets would be delivered directly to my home via golden winged angels and all would be right with the world. I'd make friends with the people around me. The Redskins would party like it was 1991 and I'd get to be there for every playoff game.

Cut to a week ago - the lie that it takes 20 years for a Redskins fan to get season tickets came tumbling down when a nondescript letter showed up at my apartment, complete with an official Redskins' return address label. "What ever could this be," I said to my pet house plant. Based on the way the Snyder reign has gone and the fact that I work in the junk mail industry I assumed I was pre-approved for a Redskins credit card with a 75% interest rate and a free complementary umbrella, or there was a sale of Redskins Swatches at the local team store. I opened the letter with the enthusiasm of a man with an envelope from the IRS audit department. "Dear Mr. Cannon," hum, this sounds official, "CONGRATULATIONS." Pre-approval here we come... "The most valuable ticket is now yours! (U2 tickets?) With over 200,000 fans on the waitlist behind you (they must have been inspired by Jim Zorn's hair style and quotable personality), don't miss out on this once in a lifetime opportunity to enjoy Redskins Season Tickets! Keep tickets in your family for generations!" After less than five years on the Redskins season ticket waiting list my number had come up. Some how against all odds either enough people have dumped their tickets or FedEx Field added seats in concourse and bathroom making me eligible to pay face value, plus all taxes, charges, and fees to get season tickets. On top of that the Redskins are even offering me a $25 Redskins Retail Store Gift Card just for sending in a $100 per seat deposit! Plus, according to the letter I can "resell [my] tickets at a profit via StubHub for any game [I am] unable to attend!" (I thought it was illegal to sell your tickets for over face value, but apparently not) Talk about a win/win/win situation!

Now here's my problem - after thinking how great it would be to have season tickets, now that the opportunity is right in front of me I'm really not sure if I'm interested. My friends, the infamous Brothers Loubert, had season tickets for a few years so I've been fortunate enough to see about 80% of Redskins home games since around 2002. But Loubert The Elder got so fed up with the way the team treats their fans that he canceled his account and now gets tickets online for only the games that interest him. Between the increasingly apathetic atmosphere at the giant dump that is FedEx Field, the fact that it seems like at least 20% of the people at the stadium are rooting for the opposition, the crappy parking/tailgating situation, me feeling like I'm a 67 year old man trapped in a 26 year old body the day after attending games, and the fact that within 10 years no matter how crappy my seats are they'll probably cost me over $100 a pop I don't know if I can justify making the commitment.

Don't get me wrong, I love the Redskins and I love going to see them play but I just feel like the Redskins' ownership has made such a mockery of the franchise over the past decade that I don't know if I want to financially support them. I currently pick and choose the games I'm interested in and get tickets on the internet that's been just fine. It usually isn't difficult because with a 92,000+ seat stadium there are almost always tickets to be had. My hope is that in the not to distant future the team will be so good that all the bandwagoners will hop back aboard and tickets will be hard to come by. In the mean time I'm left to wonder if I should call the ticket office back or trash the letter. Hail to the Redskins indeed.

Redskins’ advertising is the latest tragedy in a long line of fan abuse from the front office.

I am in an abusive relationship with the Washington Redskins. I love them unconditionally but they beat me down every chance they get. Not only am I left bloodied and bashed for 99% of our time together, when we are apart I am just worried about the next beating. In this case, the offseason produces the opportunity to get away from the Redskins for a while and to try to attempt to enjoy all life has to offer. Thanks to the advent of the Internet and cable TV however I am constantly reminded of my painful existence as the bottomline on ESPN streams headlines such as “NFL: Redskins offer next 10 years of 1st round picks for Mark Sanchez, the rights to Michael Vick and a half-eaten Chipotle Vegetarian Burrito.” Not only does my lover ruin my enjoyment in other sports but also when I go to open my e-mail to chat with family and friends I am terrorized by ads like the one posted above.

After viewing this ad and wiping the vomit off my computer screen I tried to compose myself and think of a person who was not homeless and understood football that would want these rags. I could think of no one, but then I reminded myself of some of the shmucks who share my allegiance to the team and realized that someone has to be buying this garbage or they wouldn’t have the stones to try to sell us this crap. I take it as a slap in the face that they proudly advertise the jerseys of admitted busts like Jason Taylor and Adam Archuleta AFTER they left the team yet somehow these things sell rather than going to Haiti or a trashcan. Any fan base that has not boycott or committed a coup d'état against such soul-sucking ownership deserves what they get every year. The creation of this blog basically stems from the facts that I was sick of holding in all this pain. This is my cry for help. I’m not gunna take it anymore! God, I feel like Nicole Simpson telling off O.J. If I end up dead in the Anacostia river next week you know who did it. Anyone who isn’t quite ready to take a stance against the front office of the Redskins, namely Snyder and Cerrato need not look anywhere else for motivation.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane. The Redskins haven’t always abused me. When I was a child they were a legitimate, and sometimes-dominant franchise led by the ownership of Jack Kent Cooke and our fearless leader Joe Gibbs (part I). Then Jack died and his estate went to shit and the team didn’t stay in the family. In walks the grim reaper, Danny Snyder. For the better part of the last 10 or so years I have been trying to defend him. After all, he really is a fan and he does want to win, but at some point you have to sacrifice your ego and decision making for people who know what they are doing. You run the numbers Dan, get a football guy to do the rest and not a yes-man who doesn’t blink. A quick run down of the blunders that have led us to this monumental day.

Snyder plays fantasy football. By signing over-the-hill, overhyped, premadona scabs like: Deion Sanders, Dana Stubblefield, Adam Archuleta, Jesse Armstead, Brandon Lloyd and most recently Fat Albert, Snyder cemented himself as a joke in the league and took all of us with him. People in America used to root for our team and now we are the NY Yankees and Danny is a Steinbrenner with no rings.

FedEx Field: The biggest atrocity of a sporting venue in the history of man. Prices, no replay TV, the parking lot, the location, etc. I hate you! (This deserves its own article).

Snyder didn’t see the negatives in holding practices open to other teams.

After travelling to Miami to watch the Florida Gators wax my beloved Terps in the 2002 Orange Bowl I returned home to the suicide-inducing news that Steve Spurrier, the man who I hurled fruit at and booed only days earlier had been hired to coach the Skins by Dan Snyder. Everyone knew this was destined for failure. The man ran up the score in his first PRESEASON game and tried to run a college style spread offense with Danny Wuerffel as the Quarterback in the NFL, and he lasted nearly 2 seasons! Hurts.

The coaching search circus which ends with Zorny.

This list has to stop, my eyes are starting to bleed.

At least there was some good news today. The Cowboys roof collapsed and came raining down upon their horrible teams. I guess this is a good comeback to that whole Jerry Jones statement, “There’s a hole in the roof of our stadium so god can watch his favorite team play.” God: 1, Cowboys: 0.

Hail.