Week 2: Old Skins or New Skins?

Alright, the high from week 1's coming out party has almost worn down in the Nation's Capital and we are all back to wondering how we ever lived our lives without RG3. At this rate we are about 3 weeks away from Obama and Romney having a Griffin-off on the National Mall for the presidency so let's try not to get too far ahead of ourselves now, after all the Eagles beat the Browns by a point last week and they have the same record as Washington.

Speaking as the eternal pessimist, I have about as much faith in the Skins repeating the near perfection that they displayed in week 1 as I do in keeping up with this blog outside of the first month of the season. With that said, it's the Rams people! They should lose. They expect to lose. Problem is the Skins of the past 5 years have walked into each of their games against the Rams expecting the same, only to get punched in the mouth a few times. Whoever the ghoulish creatures are who amass the NFL schedule must have a thing for Rams-Skins in stereotypical trap games. It's usually about the time in the year when the average, mouth-breathing Skins fan in a mustard-stained Cooley jersey starts looking at the schedule counting "win-win-win-win, okay we play the '85 Bears, that one might be a tie. win, win..." It's always that week when the Skins face an "easy win" Rams team and find themselves on their knees praying for a 50 yard FG at the last minute when they thought they would be running their second string in the third quarter. The problem is that no one rolls over in the NFL, especially not before November. Prognosticating which teams will be dominant anytime before week 4 is an exercise in futility, gladly repeated on a weekly basis by "experts" like Peter King and Chris Berman. I know weathermen who are more accurate.

So the league wants to crown RG3 the prototype of the future. Thanks America, I hate you. You are the same people who bought millions of copies of Nelly's albums. That's right, a man from St. Louis was once at the top of the rap game. Read a book people. The only thing that St. Louis is good for is a layover on a flight from the East to West Coast. It's the Gateway city, as in they need a gate to keep anyone there, including their professional athletes. This coming from a guy who lives in Baltimore! So you know it's bad. What I am trying to say is that mainstream America is always trying to market something. It couldn't just be that RG3 was great in his first game, it had to be "Griffining" it had to be "the prototype." Can't a game just be a game?! I know it can't so I'm looking forward to what I think will be a less than super-human type game from RG3, but a solid one nonetheless. The Fisher-coached Rams are tough, Stephen Jackson is ageless and they are not going let the QB they [cough] gave away [cough] put on a highlight real on their turf while their fans boo yet another 0-2 start. They are going to knock RG3 around and try everything they can to make someone else beat them.

For RG3 it's just the second game of his career, again on the road, again in a dome and again with the weight of the largest, most desperate fan base in the NFL on his back. No pressure, no diamonds, right homey?



Underrated effort last week: Many candidates here (thank you Aldrick) but for me the honor has to go to Billy Cundiff (whom I'm sure will return to form with 2 missed FGs this week). Cundiff, in one week, was everything that Graham Gano never was for the Skins. Gano made a living making kicks that didn't matter and always seemed to miss kicks that ended up costing us momentum and eventually the game. Before we could process how crucial three more points in a game would have been Gano had already changed into his leotard and headed to his next ballet recital without catching nearly enough arrows from scathing fans. I still hate you Gano! Keep hittin 'em straight Billy.

Hopeless predictions:

Current line: Skins -3.5, U/O 43.5

Skins 23, Rams 22

• Alfred Morris puts in another solid effort but we see far more use of the backs as receivers in week 2 with Helu and Royster combining for more total yards than our new RB1. Morris still finds pay dirt once. 
• Over 50% of the Skins fans don't realize until 4:45pm that Jeff Fisher now coaches the Rams. Somewhere in Laurel a man finishes a Bud, crushes the can and yells at his wife to "Get that damn Titans coach off my screen."
• Fisher refuses to let RG3 dictate the speed of the game
• Early TDs are slowly replaces by plodding drives and FGs
• Bradford is able to spread the ball to his litany of journeymen finding success on crossing routes. The Rams convert far more third down attempts than the Saints were able to against the 3-4.
•  Orakpo gets held no less than 8 times, it's flagged once.
• Fred Davis finds the end zone
• RG3 throws for 240 1TD, 1Int, runs for 35
• More importantly, he remains composed as the Rams make a late charge to take the lead. 
• Pandaemonium in D.C. as the Skins are 2-0 and atop the division.
• Immediate sobriety reflecting on the fact that the Redskins started last year 3-0.
• Keep your pants on people, it is a long season.

Week 1: Bayou Beatdown

It's the most lovely time of year people! Football is back, the temperatures are dropping, leaves are changing, things are beginning anew....unless of course you are a Redskins fan, in which case it's that time of the year where you renew the never-ending cycle of abuse that is your relationship to the Skins. Every Spring they find a new way to lure you in with promises of grandeur only to be reduced to tears by October. This Spring's trophy however is oh so much more shiny than all of the years before. The man, the myth, the numerical fixation, RGIII. Unfortunately, the entire Washington area is going to be brought back down to Earth in about 36 hours when RGIII faces his first live action as an NFL player. I only say this because if he does anything short of flying from end zone to end zone the entire game on  Buick-Reebok-Gatorade-Old Spice sponsored wings he will fall short of "git r' done" expectations. The reality is Robert Griffin III has all the tools to be a successful NFL QB and, in all probability, he will be someday, the problem is that it is going to take time. This is a tried and true NFL truth only rebuked by recent flashes of greatness by Cam Newton. People quickly forget that the success rate for highly touted rookie QBs in the NFL is about 0% their first season, even Peyton Manning lost 14 games his first year, and Cam Newton wasn't getting 1/10 of the adoration that has been given to Griffin. The one thing I hope for this year, as a Redskins fan, is health and patience. I'll be shocked if I get either from the QB or the hepatitis-C laden fans who still promulgate "Skins Nation" but a boy can dream.

As for the short-term, the Skins drew the Brees straw week 1, in the Dome, against a team with something to prove and a vendetta to use scoreboards as their primary means of showing Roger Goodell what they think of his totalitarian state. With that said, its not the worst match-up for the Skins; they will get their yards on the ground against a beat up defense. The same vulnerabilities can not be said for the Saints offense which is formidable, if not criminally-loaded. With Washington's top two safeties out for the foreseeable future, sadly I see this game as a first glimpse at a painful first half of the season. The Who Dats will air it out relentlessly while the Skins will be happy to see their offense matching the Saints in the early part of the game before inevitably falling prey to the dangers of getting in a shootout with the sharpest gun in the South.

Hopeless predictions:

Current line: Saints -7.5 U/O 49.5

Saints 40, Skins 27

• Brees throws for 325 and 4 TDs
• The game is within a FG at halftime
• RG3 throws for 250 and 2 TDs with 2 turnovers
• The forgotten Santana Moss scores a touchdown and is the Skins receiver of the game
• Alfred Morris runs for 105 yards and takes the lead on the depth chart (doesn't start week 2)
• SHANIHANIGANS!
• We are painfully reminded how good Jimmy Graham is
• We are also reminded that Fred Davis is not Jimmy Graham
• Saints pull away late in the 3rd, never look back
• People begin calling D.C. radio stations demanding that Kirk Cousins gets a chance at QB1, these people will primarily be from LaPlata.
• Everyone calms down by Wednesday realizing that playoff baseball is only 4 weeks away. 
• Thursday, Strasburg is shut down and we are once again only thankful to not be Cleveland fans.

Grantland Fantasy Island Contest

So I failed to be selected for the Grantland Fantasy Island Final Competition (Top 5 fantasy players of 2012, 1 sleeper, under 750 words). It's not my fault that those hacks couldn't comprehend my genius, says the wittiest guy I know. Silver lining? The experience has motivated me to once again begin sharing the thoughts of a man on the brink. My submission can be found below.

I am America, so desperate for a job that an ad for an unpaid apprenticeship as a fantasy football blogger gets me as giddy as Mike Tyson in a pigeon coup. Hey, when you’re too old to send in audition tapes for The Real World 76 there just aren’t that many equally satisfying alternatives.

First, any submission for this contest submitted prior to midnight Thursday is inherently flawed.  Anyone who has ever played fantasy before knows that procrastination is a winner’s best friend. Two of the games biggest stars were in action last night, and therefore at risk of devastating injury, by including them in your ‘Top 5’ you were effectively telling the faithful readers of Grantland that you don’t care how their seasons unfolded. I AM SENSITIVE TO THE NEEDS OF THE PEOPLE!

Without further adieu, I give you my top-five fantasy players. I root for the bad guy in movies so naturally each of these gentleman will be escorted down the aisle by their bad guy counterpart.

1. Ray Rice – Simon Phoenix (Demolition Man)

Like Simon Phoenix it’s difficult to tell if Rice was sent to us from the past or from the future. The only thing that is clear is that he has come here to destroy our preconceptions. Do you remember when RB1s touched the ball 25-30 times a game, scored at least every other week and considered 90 total yards a bad week? Even Mike Shannahan used to believe in such a thing. Rice is a dying breed, he rarely ever gets dinged due to his tree trunk thighs and his running style makes him approximately 3 feet tall.  He’s the safest bet in the draft, as his team will inevitably realize that Joe Flacco is their quarterback.

2. Aaron Rodgers – Hanibal Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)

Has anyone ever regretted drafting Aaron Rodgers at any point, in any draft, ever? Rodgers is Hanibal Lecter, he will literally dissect your team and you will feel yourself rooting for him. Is it the discount double-check? The back shoulder passes? The cheekbones? No one knows. What we do know is: he runs, he throws, he has weapons everywhere, and he hates losing (as in once in the year 2011). He will make your team competitive regardless of what you draft around him. No one ever wants to play against a guy who can drop 40 points at will.

3. Calvin Johnson – Megatron (Transformers)

R.I.P. Madden Curse. Madden could have double-covered Megatron and his efforts would have been futile. We may never see another creature exactly like Megatron again in our lives. He’s a freak of nature with no ceiling. If Stafford stays healthy for a full year it’s frightening what Megatron might be able to do. They literally changed a rule because this guy was doing things that the refs could not visually process. I’m not afraid to say I am in love with Johnson. Everyone that plays fantasy should have Megatron on their team at least once, its ecstasy. 

4. Arian Foster – Anton Chigurh (No Country For Old Men)

Call it, friend-o. Foster is a coin flip. He will either lead all fantasy backs in points or miss six games with a knee. If you like gambling and you have a top 5 pick go with Foster but anyone else on this list is less risky. Sorry I have to go I hear Ben Tate coming.

5. LeSean McCoy – Bane (Dark Knight Rises)

You know what I trust less than Michael Vick’s ribs? Mike Kafka’s arm. If you take LeSean in the Top 5 you are betting that Vick will not survive and the Eagles will once again rely on McCoy. McCoy is Bane, he’s the new kid on the block but lasting appeal is in question. This match is also appropriate because Eagles fans are the most likely to implode their own stadium if the Dream Team disappoints again.

Sleeper - Justin Blackmon – Patrick Bateman (American Psycho)

The second half of the draft is when leagues are won or lost. Getting value out of these picks is key. While most of your buddies are on their sixth beer and making the same Houshmandzadeh joke for the 5^th year in a row, draft the American Psycho. Rookie wide recievers notoriously struggle, especially when being thrown to by Blaine Gabbert, but Blackmon is going in the 11^th round in most leagues and even though he seems about as crazy as T.O. he may be as talented.